that's right, I am. And why? Because I want to do things that I know are bad. They all have to do with R.
It's 2:17am here, and I wish you were up.
This comes from a night talking about my life and my situation with my friend Amy. She and I haven't caught up since the first days after the breakup. Talking all about it brought it fresh into my mind.
Then I find out my co-crush now likes another woman. You know, my feelings on this are very strange. I can't figure it all out, but I have to say that what I see of myself in this moment, I don't like. I mean, it makes me really uncomfortable to admit some truths, but maybe I should, just to work through them. This is difficult for me because I know better about what makes a good person, an evolved person...some of this is NOT that at all.
Regarding my co-crush:
1) It's not as if I was deeply invested in this guy. Yes, I really like him as a person, and I'm attracted to him; but I have him in my life as a friend, and why is that not enough?
2) It's not enough because now more than ever I need to feel all the things he made me feel. I enjoyed feeling them, and I want them back.
3) Maybe I could see things somehow working out in a very peculiar way, but 95% of my honest self says that even though this guy IS what I need as a person; he couldn't do or be what I want and need now in my life in terms of a relationship, and why would I even consider something that I don't see working because of logistics? BECAUSE IT FELT GOOD and logic got kicked out the door as soon as something felt good.
4) I liked all of it because all that feeling good distracted me from the pain. The pain is too traumatic.
5) Deep down, I know I am crazy for R, madly in love with him, devastated over things, and scared to death that I'll never really feel and have with anyone the way we felt and what I had with R on the inside. YES, I KNOW THINGS WENT BAD, but it always comes down to something I realized today: R's actions went south...when they were bad, they were really unbelievable; but through it all, I loved him not for what he did, but for who he was. That kills me. Even through this chaos, I feel so much love toward him that I almost can't bear it. I am overwhelmingly sad.
You know, sitting here thinking on this for a few minutes, I'm realizing that it's a good thing that my crush has stopped crushing back. I think it probably served its purpose. GREAT when I needed it to be, woke me up to another life, and then just went into normalcy. I need NOT to be a crazy for this guy, no matter how amazing he is, because it wouldn't work. I wish he had NOT given me all the mixed signals, but so be it. I guess we're all entitled to be a little confused, and I'm flattered that he was confused about me. It felt good. I think--or at least I hope--I'm a lot like you described Andy...a very loving person. I sooooo want to love and give love, and I'm happiest when I do. This, where I am now, is WRONG.
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