Again I am tired after a day of putting my energy into the world and hoping to find joy in it. It comes to me, I make it, I am happy, but these days are tinged with letting go, and it can overwhelm me if I am not careful. You see, with saying good-bye to you and living in your absence, and saying good-bye to a class I have loved -- my everyday family with whom I have grown -- I am so reminded that life is transient, and the emotion of loss is too close to my heart right now with my mom's unknown future looming like a disembodied shadow. There is a lot of joy in this job, I laugh from my soul, and with that joy I must accept the balance, the pain. But each day that I rejoice in the approach of summer, I also look at them and know our time together is ending; we will never be the same again. I must love change, it is in me and I embrace the growth, but there are some things you just want to hold onto until it doesn't hurt anymore to let go. I miss you.
I spend a lot of time looking at everything around the house, all the big and little everythings around me, and I see the million invisible paths I have taken to put anything and everything in a place (or out of it). I see the ghost of myself in 10,000 places harmlessly placing anything where it is, sometimes intentionally, sometimes without thought, just to put it somewhere, and I am constantly reminded of a song lyric that breaks my heart...I go from day to day ~ I know where the cupboards are ~ I know where the car is parked ~ I know he isn't you. For a long time, there was a he that wasn't you and I lived that desperate lyric like a clenched fist hidden behind a back. But now, there is no other man, but there is everything else in my life that obliquely reminds me that what I'm doing is, for now, to get to you. I revel in the pleasures of each day, but I long for you. I truly enjoy each day of my life, yet the fullness of my life is with you by my side and me by your side and I miss that recognition that yes, there is someone nearby that truly sees all of me, and adores me for all of it. It is almost as if your skin is my skin, your scent my own, your lips so soft and full they match mine as if they are pulled together by the invisible cords attached to our one, full soul. We are both the softer and hardest places of each other. We are a light in the dark and the shade in unbearable brightness. We honor each other by honoring ourselves, and we have always felt it. We do it because to do it is to live, and finally, we know how.
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