Christmastime!

Hello, Love!

I am as happy as happy can be. I've decided to accept whatever chaos they want to hand me when it comes to that dress because it's one day and I get the man. That's all I want out of this...that man!

We had a snow day today, the last day before our 2-week winter recess. I went to bed @ 1:30am after staying up up up talking with everyone, ending with Anne and her awful work story after the play. (He's a jackass and everyone knows it. Screw him.) Then my sister called a few minutes after 5am to say it was a snow day, and i was so enthralled with the darkness, the freedom, the quiet, and wide expanse of ANYTHING ahead of me, that I curled up in bed, chatted with overseas friends (they're all awake in Europe, the best time to catch them) and listened to the heat click on and off, the scratching of branch fingers against the cedar shakes. It was a beautiful, slow morning, and I didn't let myself go back to sleep because I HAD to go into the village for my meds before the snow took over. Finally I got up, threw on leggings, Uggs, and a zip fleece (couldn't even bother with the bra, just wanted to rush out and back into bed and this would keep me from wandering around town) but while I was standing in line at the post office, the clerk was eyeing me like I was fine. I giggled my way to the counter because I found it utterly ridiculous that this was acceptable to him, but you never know. It was just lovely to exchange friendly season's greetings with someone rather than deal with ornery nonsense. Everyone was bustling about trying to get things done before the storm.

The storm!
Over a foot in less than 6 hours; it's gorgeous!
I napped, ate, showered, shoveled, and I'm perched on the couch in front of the Christmas tree, Cary Grant is on TCM (The Bishop's Wife) and life is just so sweet. Thank you.

Namaste~
xoe

(Now WHY did the treetop get cut off when this photo uploaded? ah well...)

Ha ha hah haaaaaa!

Love this! It's for you, R! I'm just smiling.

You don't really wanna stay with me, oh no... (click it!)

were it were done well

I think it's finally done.
As unpleasant and sad as it all is, I know it needs to happen. I am tired of goodbyes.

November answer to his request that I choose.

HERE'S what I HAVE to say...and I DO have to say it in order to clear my soul.

I hate you for this.
I hate you because I love you.
I hate that you want me back.
I hate the memory that as I plead with you in the driveway, I see you giving me the finger as you peel out and speed away.
I hate that I'm waiting by the side of the road with your dog in my backseat and you speed past me to get to work, ignoring me.
I hate that I felt so abandoned for so many days and weeks and months and YEARS.
I hate that I came home on a snowy Tuesday to find you had vanished, completely, to leave me in a screaming, sobbing heap on the stairwell.
I hate that you never called in the days afterward while I dissolved into a fraction of who I had been.
I hate all the times you never gave me your phone number, and when I called my house from your phone to have it, you showed nothing but rejection and disappointment.
I hate that you didn't tell me where you lived.
I hate that when I found out and showed up on yet another winter night, knocking on your door and throwing stones at your window, begging to see you, you turned off the lights & ignored me all night.
I hate that you kicked me out of all the places you lived to be AWAY from me and now you pull THIS and tell me I have to want it when my sticking by you all along should have been fucking proof beyond proof that I would have done anything for you.
I hate that you yelled that I, too, kicked you out when I wanted you to cool down because the fact that you ALWAYS had a key because YOU LIVED HERE and I ALWAYS wanted you here should have been evidence that I never really kicked you out.
I hate that I stood by you through your alcoholism and sobering and college and ALWAYS made excuses and reasons and explanations for you no matter what I wanted and how much I didn't give a shit WHERE else you wanted to be or chose to be because DAMMIT you SHOULD have been NEXT TO ME.
I hate that I ALWAYS chose to focus on the positive with you, no matter how much negative attempted to overshadow it.
I hate that all I wanted was to be near you, to spend time with you, to be close enough to touch you, to laugh with you, to hear your voice and your thoughts, and be in the company of the man I loved beyond all understanding and believed was my soulmate on this planet, but was told to leave, pushed out, left crying on doorsteps, and yelled at, on even that very last day, told that I was not wanted there.
I hate that you didn't get it.
I hate that you said you did, but didn't act like it.
I hate that you lied to me about being committed to me.
I hate that you lied to me about ANYTHING.
I hate that of COURSE I have things I would do differently and that I know I wasn't perfect, but that I DO know my love for you WAS perfect because I couldn't have accepted you any more or loved you any better.
I hate that you made me wait for the crumbs from your table, and I tolerated it.
I hate how many times you made me a fool.
I hate that on September 6, 2004, I lit 365 candles to commemorate your 365 days of sobriety and all you could do was sit paralyzed in fear that I was about to ask you to marry me.
I hate that you left for China for months without even considering me.
I hate that I proposed after your return from China and you barked out a NO while we were in bed and I had to sadly take back the ring and put it into the drawer.
I hate that when we made love, nothing else matters because it was communion, it was body and soul, it was life.
I hate that the second to last time we made love was the best it ever was and the very last time we made love was the worst.
I hate that you sat next to me at Le Petit Bistro rubbed my back and looked into my eyes whiile you told me I was your girl a week and a half before breaking up with me.
I hate that you tried to break up with me a dozen times before July 9 and for some reason I wouldn't accept it.
I hate that I spent so much time listening to cars and motorcycles on the road, hoping they were yours.
I hate that no mater how many times you came, I always felt you leaving.
I hate that you taught me how to cook and now you're not here to see how amazing I've become at it.
I hate how much I miss your family, how you took them away from me though they didn't belong to me, and how I will not see the children grow up or have Kathy and hers in my life no matter how close we were and how much I loved them.
I hate that you continue to become the person I always knew you had inside you, and you kicked me out as I stood on the precipice with you.
I hate that this still tears me up inside.
I hate that we were best friends and soulmates and yet you've cut me so deeply that I'll never heal.
I hate that as I write this I'm crying because I'd like to be over it but I know I may never be.
I hate that you finally want to give me what I deserved all along now that someone else is giving it to me every second, without thinking twice, because it's instinct to give so willingly and openly to someone you love and treasure so dearly.
I hate that you couldn't do what he does every single day.
I hate that I had to cry the day I got off the plane in England because as soon as we got back to his house and his friend asked him to go out, the first thing out of his mouth was "My love is here, and I don't take a step without her," and I had never been so regarded, so well-loved, so considered.
I hate that if I weren't with Attila I'd probably go back to you, despite the contrary begging of everyone close to me.
I hate that it took another man to show me what a relationship should be when YOU should have been the one to show me.
I hate all the times you asked me to marry you and then backed out.
I hate that now you expect me to believe that you really want it.
I hate that if I went back to you I'd always have to wonder if it was enough for you.
I hate that you made me shine and took your light away.
I hate that I will always love you, and there's not a thing any human being can do about it.
I hate that everyone but me knew it was over.
I hate that it will never be over.
I hate that because I have all these memories and experiences; I can never go back to you and be a healthy woman.

I love you.
I love him.
I love myself; and because I do, I am saying goodbye.

I'm not a zombie

Halloween was fun...but exhausting and trying all the same. The costumes turned out well and were fun, and I got the strangest array of comments and compliments. Some people (friends!) didn't even recognize me, but I think the best part of it was that my spirit is back. Last year I felt nothing, but this year I am revved up for everything and everyone. HAPPY!

Now it's November 1st, warm and quiet, grey and orange. Ati strung together and sent me a collection of short videos I took of him (us) that were left in England on his video camera and as I watched and heard it in my voice...that happy peace. I miss that man. I'm tempted to post the video but I think everyone else would be BORED, so I'm just watching it myself.

Yesterday, Bonnie asked me how much weight I'd lost. After I told her, she asked me if I noticed any loss in my breasts, and I said no. She said "Don't you hate that?" I said "No! I love them!" and while she was explaining how the size of hers was bothersome to her no matter how much weight she lost, I wanted to tell her that what she actually needed was a decent bra to hoist up her own girls rather than have them loitering around her waist like they are now. I mean come on!

Oh, on another note, A, Hag, and I had a 3-way conversation last night and I'm so relieved to hear that the Hag is back to his buddhist-enlightened, aware, pervy self. A and I were worried. Now if only he would stop referring to himself in deli-meat similes...

Anonymous

I cared this morning when I read it; I don't care now. Whatever you think or however hurt you are is neither my fault nor my problem. At least own your anger and seek peace rather than trying to upset me to alleviate your pain. If I did something to wrong you, tell me and I'll do what I can to make it better; but let's try to heal and not tear down.

Black Roses

Why did he step on my heart again tonight? I was reaching out in peace and wellness, always looking for it, always working toward it. I don't understand.

Here's what I have to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvNcsgJ2RBA

If

If I had anything interesting to say, I'd surely be saying it. This week is getting away from me and I just keep going going trying to forge ahead toward something. I need to re-organize and get some structure and some type of PLAN going on, because all I do is work and get home from work avoiding everything overwhelming but nothing gets done. 9:04 and what have I done...a whole lot after work, and then I get home and it feels like a whole lot of nothing.

Whine whine whine!

I'm looking into the red dress.
You know.

baby steps

I'm having a tough time tonight. Addictions are strong and long-lasting, and right now I'm struggling. I understand more than every the absolute PULL of the very thing you know you don't want, and how it SEEMS like you want it. I want it, but I want the feeling, albeit temporary, of the relief of the adrenaline rush...not the inevitable drop afterward.

Yeah, I'm just struggling. I'm sick of the overseas diplomatic nonsense and miles of red tape. I think it's been enough. It's my turn now, isn't it?

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I used this as my profile photo because it's so easy to forget how many are affected by breast cancer...by cancer of any type...how many are still suffering, how vanquished we felt when told we were afflicted. Mine wasn't breast cancer, but I got the news all the same, and the feeling of confusion--the body betraying itself--will linger indefinitely. Walk for the cure, give a dollar, give some time, give your support any way you can.

out at night, photos she took

out at night, photos she took
Originally uploaded by Erica's Island

she went walking before and after dark, thinking of everything and nothing at once.

Double Post Script

I had a revelation today.

I don't even know how succinctly I can encapsulate it.

I've long been grappling with the current lack of craziness, the lack of daily to semi-daily adrenaline rushes in my life with Attila. It has been work every single day, regular practice and attention to the fact that my relationship is HEALTHY and that just because I've never known it doesn't mean it's not right.

What I love is that every single time Attila picks up the phone, every single day, I hear the exact joy I always wanted from every man I've ever loved. I hear the joy, the appreciation, the adoration, and more than anything, the welcome. I am welcomed into that life, and it is everything I always wanted to be. I have had it in my head that without the craziness, love is absent. I have sought the highs because they must be love! They were the highs not of love but of fear. This is a constant relief, and I am just not used to the lack of the highs and inevitable lows. In the past year I have asked myself hundreds of times if this is who and how I am now, if this is truly me, and I keep coming back to yes, yes, yes. I loved those moments, those years I spent with other men, but I was only half of what I could have been because I was always trying to prove myself and my worth, how wonderful it was to be with me, how lovable I really am. My life is no longer in jeopardy. I don't know how long it will take to acclimate to this life, but I am happy here in this new place. I think I'll stay.

Oh, p.s.

I need a new ringtone. Give me a good song NOW. I'm sick of the old nonsense and I want something that brings joy every time I hear it.

I am NOT caring for hearing Kings of Leon on the Today show for special investigations and the TBS introductions for Major League Baseball. No mainstreaming, PLEASE!

Saturday Night

What a wonderful day!
I got up around 7:45 and felt SO completely refreshed and ALIVE...and I know it had everything to do with the long talk I had with Abra and Ray last night. I happily jumped out of bed, threw on Ati's clothes, and flew over to Laura's to feed Cayleigh. While I was there I logged on and goofed around online while I kept Cayleigh company. Liz caught me online and told me about a great sale, and I said let's go NOW. I hadn't showered or even put on CLEAN clothes, but off we went. She was looking for some housewares and I the final pieces of our big halloween-costume extravaganza. A quick outing turned into an all-day affair with my trying travel incognito because I looked like all kinds of hell, but I was happy.

We ended up 2 stores down from the shop where my wedding dress is waiting patiently, and seeing as they called me several times to ask what I planned to do, I dropped in and tried it on. It's HUGE on me now. It needs to be taken WAY in, which is better than needing to be let out. I don't even know when I'll be getting married, so we're not going to start altering it just yet. I did have a large episode of remorse that I didn't go with my original wish for a red dress, that I got sucked into the world of white weddings, but I don't know what I can do about that now. It is what it is.

I'm exhausted! I spent a lot of money today and for what?
Oh Ati, I took some photos around dawn, the leaves and the grass wrapped in frost. I took them for you.

I miss everyone who knows me, loves me, gets me.
Namaste~xoe

Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire

I can never thank you enough, Peach.

Flaming Roses

Flaming Roses
Originally uploaded by Attila Racz

Happy Birthday.

Rachael Yamagata - Worn Me Down

I love it. Seriously.

No Internet

Yes, it's true.

I'm an addict.

I can't even tear myself away for a day. The computer is too tempting. If it's not email, it's Facebook. If I'm not on Etsy, I'm checking some other forums my friends and I frequent. I check my school email and my 2 other email accounts. I read the news, book reviews, goodreads updates, blah blah blah blah BLAH! I have a real problem. I spend ENTIRELY too much time online, wasting my life. It's time for a break. This week I'll log on to check my email at work (I had gmail forwarded here and my aol won't forward but there's a vacation response) and do whatever internet business needs to be done; and I'll use the computer at home ONLY to talk with Attila and save $34,795 on phone bills. Other than that, I'm off. It's a sickness. I may need a 12 step. I'll either seek methadone or become really creatively productive. I'm hoping for the latter.

Love you...write me at work!

xoe

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

on.the.train.to.brighton

Here is the man who gets shy once the camera is facing him, and always tells me I'm too close for a portrait. I wonder how soon he'll learn that when I'm this close, I'm shooting a movie! He's tough to understand because he's quiet and there's an accent involved, but I hope you can hear the happiness in my voice.

They can't have me.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Wish that you could, but you ain't gonna own me.
Do anything you can to control me.
Oh, no.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.

There's a place that I go,
But nobody knows.
Where the rivers flow,
And I call it home.

And there's no more lies.
In the darkness, there's light.
And nobody cries.
There's only butterflies.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.

The sun is on my side.
Take me for a ride.
I smile up to the sky.
I know I'll be all right.

I will begin...

mmmmmmmmmmm
Originally uploaded by EricasIsland

Love, I haven't forgotten.
I will write everything, everything of you, of me and us, of my time with you and everything inside and around us. I will begin soon. I am still picking the flowers from the bouquet and looking at each and every one for its beauty. I still breathe in the scents and let them flood me, eyes closed, remembering. I miss you.

My Sexy Fiance

My Sexy Fiance on the last day of his service.
Originally uploaded by EricasIsland

oh
my
God.

You know, this guy doesn't even smoke, but on this day perhaps there was a celebration. What I DO know is that I find this picture DAMN SEXY and knowing that his thighs are as fantastic as they look in this picture just TOTALLY turns me on.

I know, I may be alone in my attraction to this photo with all the military garb and the one-man arsenal and the testosterone, but DAMN I find this photo AMAZING. It's several years old, but he just shared it with me today. I think the fact that he was a NATO Peacekeeper elevates his role away from aggressor toward protector. I respect the nobility of it. Of course it's also that I find him one of the gentlest men I've ever met. I like that he can simultaneously be this strong, solid protector and a kind, gentle soul.

He's back from Hungary and I'm SO glad to see his smiling face... it MADE MY DAY.

This guy never ceases to amaze me. GOD I'm happy!
♥e

Tuesday

Today was an insanely busy workday...I really haven't slowed down much but it's 10:22 and I must think about getting to bed. I had a wonderful day, only to arrive home to an incorrect parcel from my ex, who then proceeded to lie up a storm and contradict himself over and over until there were simply no words. Laughable indeed.

After that brief yet ridiculous conversation I headed in to print the photos with the date and learned how to set my camera to use the pictbridge function and it went so smoothly I could kiss whomever invented the dang thing. While things were printing I watched the movie I took of Attila in our London flat as he made me laugh hysterically. I felt SO wonderful...then Anne needed a particular type of poetry and I retrieved a book from the shelf and read some poems aloud. We had a solidly soulful talk minus personal sadness, and have been on the phone since. Oooh...we're up to 7 hours on the phone. I just told her and she said "Really? Feels like 20 minutes." Exactly. We've printed, read, cooked, researched online, written letters, paid bills, packed FedEx parcels, sketched moon journal covers, discussed tomorrow's eclipse, and run the gamut of joyous lives. It's a gift. She's probably coming for her spring break, which is right before my spring break! I'll take a few days off and we'll go south to try on wedding dresses. I'm SO excited! My curriculum fair, class play, and yearly observation will be OVER and I'll be in the free zone. It's wonderful news.

Today was a good day after all.
Szeretlek,
♥e

♥Valentine♥

BEST
ONE
EVER!

No need for extravagance, only true love and genuine interest in ME and doing right by me. Love.

As for the rest of the weekend, nothing huge other than an effort to retrieve my last loose ends from my ex but as per his usual modus operandi, he created drama, pitted me as the instigator, and tried to draw me in only to run away pointing and laughing. My thoughts on that are that I really don't care. I was irritated because I did NOT like the feeling when it was happening within the relationship, but all these months later when I've been so far from it, it is an uncomfortable reminder of the past. It shook me, but I came out of it damn quickly. My love with Attila is so complete...when I was weeping for the past, he said "There is a happy future." He could not have done or said any better than that.

In fact:
"thank you sweetie
you know
when I feel I hate the world
I always just want you
nothing else
just you
being with you
all the time
because
I know
you are the person
who understands me
and loves me
and wants me...
it's a frickin good feeling."

Yes it is, Love.
Yes it is.

Finally

After being unbelievably sick for 11 days I went to the doctor who told me YES, I was QUITE sick, and gave me antibiotics and steroids. It's now Wednesday and after having negligible, interrupted sleep for a week, I slept 12 hours last night. Now I have a serious sleep hangover, and I'm getting NOTHING accomplished today. What I love is that tomorrow is an easy day...♥Valentine's Day!♥... at work and then a 4-day weekend ahead! There is plenty of time to get things done but I just wish this house were CLEAN for the weekend. I'd love some freedom.

I'm getting a lot of diverging opinions on the wedding plans. Some people say KEEP IT SIMPLE and do as little as possible to keep the 2 of you happy. Then I get those who say HEY it's your ONE DAY and your one wedding, which is true; but I don't need to be a princess or go with the Plan B wedding at some cookie-cutter hotel reception room, I just want us to be ourselves and celebrate how lucky and happy we are. I don't know what to do, I really don't. We're talking about it.

I'm ravenous this week, RAVENOUS, and no meeting tonight! PROBLEM!

I blame this on Anne...she's the one who introduced me to these damn laze-inducing flannel lounge pants. Damn the electric fence!

♥e

Got those lowdown Sunday blues

I hate it.
I think I could manage, even muster optimism, if I were not so sick (even after all this time) and it were not so shockingly windy and cold outside. The whipping wind compels me to stay inside, undercover, braced against the cold. I can scarcely breathe, I'm probably overmedicating, and I have no interest in prettying up for anything. To make matters worse -- or maybe better -- is that my sister and I have to plan and throw my parents' 40th wedding anniversary party, money money money, and then pay for my own wedding? Just feels a little off. My parents said we could have money or a honeymoon as our wedding gift and Attila and I chose the honeymoon, but still it would have been nice if they had offered to help with the wedding. It's irritating enough that Attila and I are separated...we talk about it constantly and HATE it and the whole effing procedure to get him over here; but add onto that trying to plan my parents party, pay for that, arrange a wedding and pay for THAT, and I just don't want to do it.

Well here's an immediate update!
Attila and I have been online together for a few hours, and we JUST spoke about the wedding and when I told him how I was feeling, he said he was feeling the EXACT same way. We've decided to do otherwise. We're just going to wake up one day or just look at the forecast sometime and say "HEY, THAT'S the day," and we'll make some calls and pack some picnics and just head to the beach to get married. We are SO in sync with this I just love it. I know this will ruffle feathers but I don't care because we have to do what's right for US.

*sigh* relief!

Now if only it would snow.

Protectors, big and small

Today was a great day, especially considering I skipped the stuff I just didn't want to do. I was too sickly and exhausted after work to do anything but drag my sorry self home and climb into bed. I spoke with Attila for a few hours before he went to bed, and he took such good care of me, even from a distance. That man is so incredibly loving and emotive. It's so genuine...I can see it in his face...and I am the priority in his life. Finally! In any event, Attila went to bed and then Anne and I began watching the dog show. I don't know why but we really enjoy those. If only this current dog didn't so turn me off to having a dog of my own.

Despite feeling like absolute garbage due to this virus, it was Chinese New Year (Gung Hey Fat Choy!) and the entire day was devoted to activities surrounding the holiday. The kids were extraordinary, we had tons of fun and did LOTS of projects; and walking out to the buses, five boys walked along the sidewalk together, arms over shoulders, a wall of friendship. It doesn't get better than that.

Szeretlek,
e

A Relatively Un-Super Tuesday

It's beyond me who's reading this these days. I knew of about 3 people...my friends...who did, as most of the writing was just my own daily therapy; but somehow I drop in to write and no fewer than 5 people have been here. That looks like a pitiful number, but seeing as I took a 2-month hiatus, I'm curious. Whomever you are, drop me a comment, say hello.

I dragged myself to work, late as usual, and could barely hear. My entire head is one big container for whatever fluid has decided to take up residence. It's 9:30 and I just finished my report card comments for the evening. It's been a long day, and I'm just glad I'm over the residual anger that came over me last night. I had a temporary lapse and felt SUCH anger for the past, but as soon as Attila told me "Hey, don't even think about it! Think about you and me...there's nothing left to be angry over, and you can focus on what makes you happy." Usually that'd be too reductive for me, but it's absolutely true. I think the struggle was that while I don't long for ANY of that past life, I get angry over past behaviors and general treatment. My feelings aren't about desire or longing, love or ANYTHING positive...I have some occasional anger and I just loathe the whole experience.

Attila I love. My moon my man. What I would have done without his friendship...and his ever-evolving adoration and dedication, his honesty, forthrightness, and absolute presence in every way EVERY SINGLE DAY since we met...I don't want to imagine. I am healthier than ever, and I guess anger is a normal emotion. Just because I don't usually feel any doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

♥e

The comfort of big pots bubbling.

I was on my way home from a half-day (too sick to make it through a full one) when I realized what I really needed was a bit pot of homemade soup. I stopped for a few essentials and spent the next couple of hours making cornbread (with the fresh white corn sprinkled throughout the batter) and mushroom beef barley, with a slew of creminis sauteed with a little onion in savory butter. I threw in a little sage while the beef was browning and it turned out perfectly. I look forward to feasting on it all week.

It's 4:22 and I'm snuggled under the covers with my arm-warmers on because it's just so cold in my bedroom. This is the way I like it, but the contrast between this room and the rest of the house makes me shiver.

You know, I really love my engagement ring. It's SO me, and I knew it right away. I just can't believe our luck in finding it! Then the luck that it fits so well...it feels like it's part of me. Normally I can't wait to take off my jewelry as soon as I walk in the door, but I never take this off and sometimes I feel for it to make sure it's on because it just feels like ME.

I'm also feeling a little bit of guilt over not having a maid or matron of honor and any bridesmaids, but Attila has no one in this country and no one can come over, so no one will be there for him. I want it to be the 2 of us with friends surrounding us, but I don't want to do anything that emphasizes his solitude. I just want us to be surrounded by love and friendship, undifferentiating, because we are one. I am not lost in this relationship, I am more myself than ever...my complete self, happy.

♥e

One Nostril

That's all I'm workin' with over here!

I've spent the bulk of the day messing around with the appearance of this blog...meanwhile, could I just manage one post? Seemingly not. Life is so different from when I began writing here that I debated whether or not I should even return to it. Attila said that he was glad I felt like writing again, that sometimes we need a break from these things. Anne said I didn't need it while I was away from it, and that is true. I got everything I need and I wasn't lonely or lacking for anything. What a major shift for me. NOTHING is lacking...I mean, I want Attila here with me, but he is more with me than anyone has ever been.

I have nothing even remotely interesting to report. I wanted to go to the movies, I was even interested in a double feature, but I've been sick in bed for 2 days and if I didn't get moving today and clean this house, I was going to be reported to one of those psychiatric-help episode of Oprah in which they discuss my filth while the video camera shows the utter disaster amongst which I've been living. It was hard to tell my house from the dump. THAT's over. I even bleached and shined my kitchen sink, and I cannot vacuum enough. The studio looks GREAT with the new space and the new carpeting, and I cannot wait for Attila to move his computers and simulation equipment in there so that we can pick him a desk and this will become his home as well. We were online together and we both looked up the property on Google Maps and I showed him around. It was sort of a bummer to see how much bigger than our house the pool actually is, but hey; I have 2 floors.

I have a big WTF scenario goin' on over here. I have NO desire for work tomorrow. Rats.

Love you. ♥e