Double Post Script

I had a revelation today.

I don't even know how succinctly I can encapsulate it.

I've long been grappling with the current lack of craziness, the lack of daily to semi-daily adrenaline rushes in my life with Attila. It has been work every single day, regular practice and attention to the fact that my relationship is HEALTHY and that just because I've never known it doesn't mean it's not right.

What I love is that every single time Attila picks up the phone, every single day, I hear the exact joy I always wanted from every man I've ever loved. I hear the joy, the appreciation, the adoration, and more than anything, the welcome. I am welcomed into that life, and it is everything I always wanted to be. I have had it in my head that without the craziness, love is absent. I have sought the highs because they must be love! They were the highs not of love but of fear. This is a constant relief, and I am just not used to the lack of the highs and inevitable lows. In the past year I have asked myself hundreds of times if this is who and how I am now, if this is truly me, and I keep coming back to yes, yes, yes. I loved those moments, those years I spent with other men, but I was only half of what I could have been because I was always trying to prove myself and my worth, how wonderful it was to be with me, how lovable I really am. My life is no longer in jeopardy. I don't know how long it will take to acclimate to this life, but I am happy here in this new place. I think I'll stay.