oh
my
God.
You know, this guy doesn't even smoke, but on this day perhaps there was a celebration. What I DO know is that I find this picture DAMN SEXY and knowing that his thighs are as fantastic as they look in this picture just TOTALLY turns me on.
I know, I may be alone in my attraction to this photo with all the military garb and the one-man arsenal and the testosterone, but DAMN I find this photo AMAZING. It's several years old, but he just shared it with me today. I think the fact that he was a NATO Peacekeeper elevates his role away from aggressor toward protector. I respect the nobility of it. Of course it's also that I find him one of the gentlest men I've ever met. I like that he can simultaneously be this strong, solid protector and a kind, gentle soul.
He's back from Hungary and I'm SO glad to see his smiling face... it MADE MY DAY.
This guy never ceases to amaze me. GOD I'm happy!
♥e
Monday, February 25, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday
Today was an insanely busy workday...I really haven't slowed down much but it's 10:22 and I must think about getting to bed. I had a wonderful day, only to arrive home to an incorrect parcel from my ex, who then proceeded to lie up a storm and contradict himself over and over until there were simply no words. Laughable indeed.
After that brief yet ridiculous conversation I headed in to print the photos with the date and learned how to set my camera to use the pictbridge function and it went so smoothly I could kiss whomever invented the dang thing. While things were printing I watched the movie I took of Attila in our London flat as he made me laugh hysterically. I felt SO wonderful...then Anne needed a particular type of poetry and I retrieved a book from the shelf and read some poems aloud. We had a solidly soulful talk minus personal sadness, and have been on the phone since. Oooh...we're up to 7 hours on the phone. I just told her and she said "Really? Feels like 20 minutes." Exactly. We've printed, read, cooked, researched online, written letters, paid bills, packed FedEx parcels, sketched moon journal covers, discussed tomorrow's eclipse, and run the gamut of joyous lives. It's a gift. She's probably coming for her spring break, which is right before my spring break! I'll take a few days off and we'll go south to try on wedding dresses. I'm SO excited! My curriculum fair, class play, and yearly observation will be OVER and I'll be in the free zone. It's wonderful news.
Today was a good day after all.
Szeretlek,
♥e
After that brief yet ridiculous conversation I headed in to print the photos with the date and learned how to set my camera to use the pictbridge function and it went so smoothly I could kiss whomever invented the dang thing. While things were printing I watched the movie I took of Attila in our London flat as he made me laugh hysterically. I felt SO wonderful...then Anne needed a particular type of poetry and I retrieved a book from the shelf and read some poems aloud. We had a solidly soulful talk minus personal sadness, and have been on the phone since. Oooh...we're up to 7 hours on the phone. I just told her and she said "Really? Feels like 20 minutes." Exactly. We've printed, read, cooked, researched online, written letters, paid bills, packed FedEx parcels, sketched moon journal covers, discussed tomorrow's eclipse, and run the gamut of joyous lives. It's a gift. She's probably coming for her spring break, which is right before my spring break! I'll take a few days off and we'll go south to try on wedding dresses. I'm SO excited! My curriculum fair, class play, and yearly observation will be OVER and I'll be in the free zone. It's wonderful news.
Today was a good day after all.
Szeretlek,
♥e
Monday, February 18, 2008
♥Valentine♥
BEST
ONE
EVER!
ONE
EVER!
No need for extravagance, only true love and genuine interest in ME and doing right by me. Love.
As for the rest of the weekend, nothing huge other than an effort to retrieve my last loose ends from my ex but as per his usual modus operandi, he created drama, pitted me as the instigator, and tried to draw me in only to run away pointing and laughing. My thoughts on that are that I really don't care. I was irritated because I did NOT like the feeling when it was happening within the relationship, but all these months later when I've been so far from it, it is an uncomfortable reminder of the past. It shook me, but I came out of it damn quickly. My love with Attila is so complete...when I was weeping for the past, he said "There is a happy future." He could not have done or said any better than that.
In fact:
"thank you sweetie
you know
when I feel I hate the world
I always just want you
nothing else
just you
being with you
all the time
because
I know
you are the person
who understands me
and loves me
and wants me...
it's a frickin good feeling."
Yes it is, Love.
Yes it is.
As for the rest of the weekend, nothing huge other than an effort to retrieve my last loose ends from my ex but as per his usual modus operandi, he created drama, pitted me as the instigator, and tried to draw me in only to run away pointing and laughing. My thoughts on that are that I really don't care. I was irritated because I did NOT like the feeling when it was happening within the relationship, but all these months later when I've been so far from it, it is an uncomfortable reminder of the past. It shook me, but I came out of it damn quickly. My love with Attila is so complete...when I was weeping for the past, he said "There is a happy future." He could not have done or said any better than that.
In fact:
"thank you sweetie
you know
when I feel I hate the world
I always just want you
nothing else
just you
being with you
all the time
because
I know
you are the person
who understands me
and loves me
and wants me...
it's a frickin good feeling."
Yes it is, Love.
Yes it is.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Finally
After being unbelievably sick for 11 days I went to the doctor who told me YES, I was QUITE sick, and gave me antibiotics and steroids. It's now Wednesday and after having negligible, interrupted sleep for a week, I slept 12 hours last night. Now I have a serious sleep hangover, and I'm getting NOTHING accomplished today. What I love is that tomorrow is an easy day...♥Valentine's Day!♥... at work and then a 4-day weekend ahead! There is plenty of time to get things done but I just wish this house were CLEAN for the weekend. I'd love some freedom.
I'm getting a lot of diverging opinions on the wedding plans. Some people say KEEP IT SIMPLE and do as little as possible to keep the 2 of you happy. Then I get those who say HEY it's your ONE DAY and your one wedding, which is true; but I don't need to be a princess or go with the Plan B wedding at some cookie-cutter hotel reception room, I just want us to be ourselves and celebrate how lucky and happy we are. I don't know what to do, I really don't. We're talking about it.
I'm ravenous this week, RAVENOUS, and no meeting tonight! PROBLEM!
I blame this on Anne...she's the one who introduced me to these damn laze-inducing flannel lounge pants. Damn the electric fence!
♥e
I'm getting a lot of diverging opinions on the wedding plans. Some people say KEEP IT SIMPLE and do as little as possible to keep the 2 of you happy. Then I get those who say HEY it's your ONE DAY and your one wedding, which is true; but I don't need to be a princess or go with the Plan B wedding at some cookie-cutter hotel reception room, I just want us to be ourselves and celebrate how lucky and happy we are. I don't know what to do, I really don't. We're talking about it.
I'm ravenous this week, RAVENOUS, and no meeting tonight! PROBLEM!
I blame this on Anne...she's the one who introduced me to these damn laze-inducing flannel lounge pants. Damn the electric fence!
♥e
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Got those lowdown Sunday blues
I hate it.
I think I could manage, even muster optimism, if I were not so sick (even after all this time) and it were not so shockingly windy and cold outside. The whipping wind compels me to stay inside, undercover, braced against the cold. I can scarcely breathe, I'm probably overmedicating, and I have no interest in prettying up for anything. To make matters worse -- or maybe better -- is that my sister and I have to plan and throw my parents' 40th wedding anniversary party, money money money, and then pay for my own wedding? Just feels a little off. My parents said we could have money or a honeymoon as our wedding gift and Attila and I chose the honeymoon, but still it would have been nice if they had offered to help with the wedding. It's irritating enough that Attila and I are separated...we talk about it constantly and HATE it and the whole effing procedure to get him over here; but add onto that trying to plan my parents party, pay for that, arrange a wedding and pay for THAT, and I just don't want to do it.
Well here's an immediate update!
Attila and I have been online together for a few hours, and we JUST spoke about the wedding and when I told him how I was feeling, he said he was feeling the EXACT same way. We've decided to do otherwise. We're just going to wake up one day or just look at the forecast sometime and say "HEY, THAT'S the day," and we'll make some calls and pack some picnics and just head to the beach to get married. We are SO in sync with this I just love it. I know this will ruffle feathers but I don't care because we have to do what's right for US.
*sigh* relief!
Now if only it would snow.
I think I could manage, even muster optimism, if I were not so sick (even after all this time) and it were not so shockingly windy and cold outside. The whipping wind compels me to stay inside, undercover, braced against the cold. I can scarcely breathe, I'm probably overmedicating, and I have no interest in prettying up for anything. To make matters worse -- or maybe better -- is that my sister and I have to plan and throw my parents' 40th wedding anniversary party, money money money, and then pay for my own wedding? Just feels a little off. My parents said we could have money or a honeymoon as our wedding gift and Attila and I chose the honeymoon, but still it would have been nice if they had offered to help with the wedding. It's irritating enough that Attila and I are separated...we talk about it constantly and HATE it and the whole effing procedure to get him over here; but add onto that trying to plan my parents party, pay for that, arrange a wedding and pay for THAT, and I just don't want to do it.
Well here's an immediate update!
Attila and I have been online together for a few hours, and we JUST spoke about the wedding and when I told him how I was feeling, he said he was feeling the EXACT same way. We've decided to do otherwise. We're just going to wake up one day or just look at the forecast sometime and say "HEY, THAT'S the day," and we'll make some calls and pack some picnics and just head to the beach to get married. We are SO in sync with this I just love it. I know this will ruffle feathers but I don't care because we have to do what's right for US.
*sigh* relief!
Now if only it would snow.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Protectors, big and small
Today was a great day, especially considering I skipped the stuff I just didn't want to do. I was too sickly and exhausted after work to do anything but drag my sorry self home and climb into bed. I spoke with Attila for a few hours before he went to bed, and he took such good care of me, even from a distance. That man is so incredibly loving and emotive. It's so genuine...I can see it in his face...and I am the priority in his life. Finally! In any event, Attila went to bed and then Anne and I began watching the dog show. I don't know why but we really enjoy those. If only this current dog didn't so turn me off to having a dog of my own.
Despite feeling like absolute garbage due to this virus, it was Chinese New Year (Gung Hey Fat Choy!) and the entire day was devoted to activities surrounding the holiday. The kids were extraordinary, we had tons of fun and did LOTS of projects; and walking out to the buses, five boys walked along the sidewalk together, arms over shoulders, a wall of friendship. It doesn't get better than that.
Szeretlek,
e
Despite feeling like absolute garbage due to this virus, it was Chinese New Year (Gung Hey Fat Choy!) and the entire day was devoted to activities surrounding the holiday. The kids were extraordinary, we had tons of fun and did LOTS of projects; and walking out to the buses, five boys walked along the sidewalk together, arms over shoulders, a wall of friendship. It doesn't get better than that.
Szeretlek,
e
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
A Relatively Un-Super Tuesday
It's beyond me who's reading this these days. I knew of about 3 people...my friends...who did, as most of the writing was just my own daily therapy; but somehow I drop in to write and no fewer than 5 people have been here. That looks like a pitiful number, but seeing as I took a 2-month hiatus, I'm curious. Whomever you are, drop me a comment, say hello.
I dragged myself to work, late as usual, and could barely hear. My entire head is one big container for whatever fluid has decided to take up residence. It's 9:30 and I just finished my report card comments for the evening. It's been a long day, and I'm just glad I'm over the residual anger that came over me last night. I had a temporary lapse and felt SUCH anger for the past, but as soon as Attila told me "Hey, don't even think about it! Think about you and me...there's nothing left to be angry over, and you can focus on what makes you happy." Usually that'd be too reductive for me, but it's absolutely true. I think the struggle was that while I don't long for ANY of that past life, I get angry over past behaviors and general treatment. My feelings aren't about desire or longing, love or ANYTHING positive...I have some occasional anger and I just loathe the whole experience.
Attila I love. My moon my man. What I would have done without his friendship...and his ever-evolving adoration and dedication, his honesty, forthrightness, and absolute presence in every way EVERY SINGLE DAY since we met...I don't want to imagine. I am healthier than ever, and I guess anger is a normal emotion. Just because I don't usually feel any doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
♥e
I dragged myself to work, late as usual, and could barely hear. My entire head is one big container for whatever fluid has decided to take up residence. It's 9:30 and I just finished my report card comments for the evening. It's been a long day, and I'm just glad I'm over the residual anger that came over me last night. I had a temporary lapse and felt SUCH anger for the past, but as soon as Attila told me "Hey, don't even think about it! Think about you and me...there's nothing left to be angry over, and you can focus on what makes you happy." Usually that'd be too reductive for me, but it's absolutely true. I think the struggle was that while I don't long for ANY of that past life, I get angry over past behaviors and general treatment. My feelings aren't about desire or longing, love or ANYTHING positive...I have some occasional anger and I just loathe the whole experience.
Attila I love. My moon my man. What I would have done without his friendship...and his ever-evolving adoration and dedication, his honesty, forthrightness, and absolute presence in every way EVERY SINGLE DAY since we met...I don't want to imagine. I am healthier than ever, and I guess anger is a normal emotion. Just because I don't usually feel any doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
♥e
Monday, February 4, 2008
The comfort of big pots bubbling.
I was on my way home from a half-day (too sick to make it through a full one) when I realized what I really needed was a bit pot of homemade soup. I stopped for a few essentials and spent the next couple of hours making cornbread (with the fresh white corn sprinkled throughout the batter) and mushroom beef barley, with a slew of creminis sauteed with a little onion in savory butter. I threw in a little sage while the beef was browning and it turned out perfectly. I look forward to feasting on it all week.
It's 4:22 and I'm snuggled under the covers with my arm-warmers on because it's just so cold in my bedroom. This is the way I like it, but the contrast between this room and the rest of the house makes me shiver.
You know, I really love my engagement ring. It's SO me, and I knew it right away. I just can't believe our luck in finding it! Then the luck that it fits so well...it feels like it's part of me. Normally I can't wait to take off my jewelry as soon as I walk in the door, but I never take this off and sometimes I feel for it to make sure it's on because it just feels like ME.
I'm also feeling a little bit of guilt over not having a maid or matron of honor and any bridesmaids, but Attila has no one in this country and no one can come over, so no one will be there for him. I want it to be the 2 of us with friends surrounding us, but I don't want to do anything that emphasizes his solitude. I just want us to be surrounded by love and friendship, undifferentiating, because we are one. I am not lost in this relationship, I am more myself than ever...my complete self, happy.
♥e
It's 4:22 and I'm snuggled under the covers with my arm-warmers on because it's just so cold in my bedroom. This is the way I like it, but the contrast between this room and the rest of the house makes me shiver.
You know, I really love my engagement ring. It's SO me, and I knew it right away. I just can't believe our luck in finding it! Then the luck that it fits so well...it feels like it's part of me. Normally I can't wait to take off my jewelry as soon as I walk in the door, but I never take this off and sometimes I feel for it to make sure it's on because it just feels like ME.
I'm also feeling a little bit of guilt over not having a maid or matron of honor and any bridesmaids, but Attila has no one in this country and no one can come over, so no one will be there for him. I want it to be the 2 of us with friends surrounding us, but I don't want to do anything that emphasizes his solitude. I just want us to be surrounded by love and friendship, undifferentiating, because we are one. I am not lost in this relationship, I am more myself than ever...my complete self, happy.
♥e
Sunday, February 3, 2008
One Nostril
That's all I'm workin' with over here!
I've spent the bulk of the day messing around with the appearance of this blog...meanwhile, could I just manage one post? Seemingly not. Life is so different from when I began writing here that I debated whether or not I should even return to it. Attila said that he was glad I felt like writing again, that sometimes we need a break from these things. Anne said I didn't need it while I was away from it, and that is true. I got everything I need and I wasn't lonely or lacking for anything. What a major shift for me. NOTHING is lacking...I mean, I want Attila here with me, but he is more with me than anyone has ever been.
I have nothing even remotely interesting to report. I wanted to go to the movies, I was even interested in a double feature, but I've been sick in bed for 2 days and if I didn't get moving today and clean this house, I was going to be reported to one of those psychiatric-help episode of Oprah in which they discuss my filth while the video camera shows the utter disaster amongst which I've been living. It was hard to tell my house from the dump. THAT's over. I even bleached and shined my kitchen sink, and I cannot vacuum enough. The studio looks GREAT with the new space and the new carpeting, and I cannot wait for Attila to move his computers and simulation equipment in there so that we can pick him a desk and this will become his home as well. We were online together and we both looked up the property on Google Maps and I showed him around. It was sort of a bummer to see how much bigger than our house the pool actually is, but hey; I have 2 floors.
I have a big WTF scenario goin' on over here. I have NO desire for work tomorrow. Rats.
Love you. ♥e
I've spent the bulk of the day messing around with the appearance of this blog...meanwhile, could I just manage one post? Seemingly not. Life is so different from when I began writing here that I debated whether or not I should even return to it. Attila said that he was glad I felt like writing again, that sometimes we need a break from these things. Anne said I didn't need it while I was away from it, and that is true. I got everything I need and I wasn't lonely or lacking for anything. What a major shift for me. NOTHING is lacking...I mean, I want Attila here with me, but he is more with me than anyone has ever been.
I have nothing even remotely interesting to report. I wanted to go to the movies, I was even interested in a double feature, but I've been sick in bed for 2 days and if I didn't get moving today and clean this house, I was going to be reported to one of those psychiatric-help episode of Oprah in which they discuss my filth while the video camera shows the utter disaster amongst which I've been living. It was hard to tell my house from the dump. THAT's over. I even bleached and shined my kitchen sink, and I cannot vacuum enough. The studio looks GREAT with the new space and the new carpeting, and I cannot wait for Attila to move his computers and simulation equipment in there so that we can pick him a desk and this will become his home as well. We were online together and we both looked up the property on Google Maps and I showed him around. It was sort of a bummer to see how much bigger than our house the pool actually is, but hey; I have 2 floors.
I have a big WTF scenario goin' on over here. I have NO desire for work tomorrow. Rats.
Love you. ♥e
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