What is that? (Τι είναι αυτό;) 2007

Thank you, John.
xoe

Christmastime!

Hello, Love!

I am as happy as happy can be. I've decided to accept whatever chaos they want to hand me when it comes to that dress because it's one day and I get the man. That's all I want out of this...that man!

We had a snow day today, the last day before our 2-week winter recess. I went to bed @ 1:30am after staying up up up talking with everyone, ending with Anne and her awful work story after the play. (He's a jackass and everyone knows it. Screw him.) Then my sister called a few minutes after 5am to say it was a snow day, and i was so enthralled with the darkness, the freedom, the quiet, and wide expanse of ANYTHING ahead of me, that I curled up in bed, chatted with overseas friends (they're all awake in Europe, the best time to catch them) and listened to the heat click on and off, the scratching of branch fingers against the cedar shakes. It was a beautiful, slow morning, and I didn't let myself go back to sleep because I HAD to go into the village for my meds before the snow took over. Finally I got up, threw on leggings, Uggs, and a zip fleece (couldn't even bother with the bra, just wanted to rush out and back into bed and this would keep me from wandering around town) but while I was standing in line at the post office, the clerk was eyeing me like I was fine. I giggled my way to the counter because I found it utterly ridiculous that this was acceptable to him, but you never know. It was just lovely to exchange friendly season's greetings with someone rather than deal with ornery nonsense. Everyone was bustling about trying to get things done before the storm.

The storm!
Over a foot in less than 6 hours; it's gorgeous!
I napped, ate, showered, shoveled, and I'm perched on the couch in front of the Christmas tree, Cary Grant is on TCM (The Bishop's Wife) and life is just so sweet. Thank you.

Namaste~
xoe

(Now WHY did the treetop get cut off when this photo uploaded? ah well...)

Ha ha hah haaaaaa!

Love this! It's for you, R! I'm just smiling.

You don't really wanna stay with me, oh no... (click it!)

were it were done well

I think it's finally done.
As unpleasant and sad as it all is, I know it needs to happen. I am tired of goodbyes.

November answer to his request that I choose.

HERE'S what I HAVE to say...and I DO have to say it in order to clear my soul.

I hate you for this.
I hate you because I love you.
I hate that you want me back.
I hate the memory that as I plead with you in the driveway, I see you giving me the finger as you peel out and speed away.
I hate that I'm waiting by the side of the road with your dog in my backseat and you speed past me to get to work, ignoring me.
I hate that I felt so abandoned for so many days and weeks and months and YEARS.
I hate that I came home on a snowy Tuesday to find you had vanished, completely, to leave me in a screaming, sobbing heap on the stairwell.
I hate that you never called in the days afterward while I dissolved into a fraction of who I had been.
I hate all the times you never gave me your phone number, and when I called my house from your phone to have it, you showed nothing but rejection and disappointment.
I hate that you didn't tell me where you lived.
I hate that when I found out and showed up on yet another winter night, knocking on your door and throwing stones at your window, begging to see you, you turned off the lights & ignored me all night.
I hate that you kicked me out of all the places you lived to be AWAY from me and now you pull THIS and tell me I have to want it when my sticking by you all along should have been fucking proof beyond proof that I would have done anything for you.
I hate that you yelled that I, too, kicked you out when I wanted you to cool down because the fact that you ALWAYS had a key because YOU LIVED HERE and I ALWAYS wanted you here should have been evidence that I never really kicked you out.
I hate that I stood by you through your alcoholism and sobering and college and ALWAYS made excuses and reasons and explanations for you no matter what I wanted and how much I didn't give a shit WHERE else you wanted to be or chose to be because DAMMIT you SHOULD have been NEXT TO ME.
I hate that I ALWAYS chose to focus on the positive with you, no matter how much negative attempted to overshadow it.
I hate that all I wanted was to be near you, to spend time with you, to be close enough to touch you, to laugh with you, to hear your voice and your thoughts, and be in the company of the man I loved beyond all understanding and believed was my soulmate on this planet, but was told to leave, pushed out, left crying on doorsteps, and yelled at, on even that very last day, told that I was not wanted there.
I hate that you didn't get it.
I hate that you said you did, but didn't act like it.
I hate that you lied to me about being committed to me.
I hate that you lied to me about ANYTHING.
I hate that of COURSE I have things I would do differently and that I know I wasn't perfect, but that I DO know my love for you WAS perfect because I couldn't have accepted you any more or loved you any better.
I hate that you made me wait for the crumbs from your table, and I tolerated it.
I hate how many times you made me a fool.
I hate that on September 6, 2004, I lit 365 candles to commemorate your 365 days of sobriety and all you could do was sit paralyzed in fear that I was about to ask you to marry me.
I hate that you left for China for months without even considering me.
I hate that I proposed after your return from China and you barked out a NO while we were in bed and I had to sadly take back the ring and put it into the drawer.
I hate that when we made love, nothing else matters because it was communion, it was body and soul, it was life.
I hate that the second to last time we made love was the best it ever was and the very last time we made love was the worst.
I hate that you sat next to me at Le Petit Bistro rubbed my back and looked into my eyes whiile you told me I was your girl a week and a half before breaking up with me.
I hate that you tried to break up with me a dozen times before July 9 and for some reason I wouldn't accept it.
I hate that I spent so much time listening to cars and motorcycles on the road, hoping they were yours.
I hate that no mater how many times you came, I always felt you leaving.
I hate that you taught me how to cook and now you're not here to see how amazing I've become at it.
I hate how much I miss your family, how you took them away from me though they didn't belong to me, and how I will not see the children grow up or have Kathy and hers in my life no matter how close we were and how much I loved them.
I hate that you continue to become the person I always knew you had inside you, and you kicked me out as I stood on the precipice with you.
I hate that this still tears me up inside.
I hate that we were best friends and soulmates and yet you've cut me so deeply that I'll never heal.
I hate that as I write this I'm crying because I'd like to be over it but I know I may never be.
I hate that you finally want to give me what I deserved all along now that someone else is giving it to me every second, without thinking twice, because it's instinct to give so willingly and openly to someone you love and treasure so dearly.
I hate that you couldn't do what he does every single day.
I hate that I had to cry the day I got off the plane in England because as soon as we got back to his house and his friend asked him to go out, the first thing out of his mouth was "My love is here, and I don't take a step without her," and I had never been so regarded, so well-loved, so considered.
I hate that if I weren't with Attila I'd probably go back to you, despite the contrary begging of everyone close to me.
I hate that it took another man to show me what a relationship should be when YOU should have been the one to show me.
I hate all the times you asked me to marry you and then backed out.
I hate that now you expect me to believe that you really want it.
I hate that if I went back to you I'd always have to wonder if it was enough for you.
I hate that you made me shine and took your light away.
I hate that I will always love you, and there's not a thing any human being can do about it.
I hate that everyone but me knew it was over.
I hate that it will never be over.
I hate that because I have all these memories and experiences; I can never go back to you and be a healthy woman.

I love you.
I love him.
I love myself; and because I do, I am saying goodbye.

I'm not a zombie

Halloween was fun...but exhausting and trying all the same. The costumes turned out well and were fun, and I got the strangest array of comments and compliments. Some people (friends!) didn't even recognize me, but I think the best part of it was that my spirit is back. Last year I felt nothing, but this year I am revved up for everything and everyone. HAPPY!

Now it's November 1st, warm and quiet, grey and orange. Ati strung together and sent me a collection of short videos I took of him (us) that were left in England on his video camera and as I watched and heard it in my voice...that happy peace. I miss that man. I'm tempted to post the video but I think everyone else would be BORED, so I'm just watching it myself.

Yesterday, Bonnie asked me how much weight I'd lost. After I told her, she asked me if I noticed any loss in my breasts, and I said no. She said "Don't you hate that?" I said "No! I love them!" and while she was explaining how the size of hers was bothersome to her no matter how much weight she lost, I wanted to tell her that what she actually needed was a decent bra to hoist up her own girls rather than have them loitering around her waist like they are now. I mean come on!

Oh, on another note, A, Hag, and I had a 3-way conversation last night and I'm so relieved to hear that the Hag is back to his buddhist-enlightened, aware, pervy self. A and I were worried. Now if only he would stop referring to himself in deli-meat similes...

Anonymous

I cared this morning when I read it; I don't care now. Whatever you think or however hurt you are is neither my fault nor my problem. At least own your anger and seek peace rather than trying to upset me to alleviate your pain. If I did something to wrong you, tell me and I'll do what I can to make it better; but let's try to heal and not tear down.

Black Roses

Why did he step on my heart again tonight? I was reaching out in peace and wellness, always looking for it, always working toward it. I don't understand.

Here's what I have to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvNcsgJ2RBA

If

If I had anything interesting to say, I'd surely be saying it. This week is getting away from me and I just keep going going trying to forge ahead toward something. I need to re-organize and get some structure and some type of PLAN going on, because all I do is work and get home from work avoiding everything overwhelming but nothing gets done. 9:04 and what have I done...a whole lot after work, and then I get home and it feels like a whole lot of nothing.

Whine whine whine!

I'm looking into the red dress.
You know.

baby steps

I'm having a tough time tonight. Addictions are strong and long-lasting, and right now I'm struggling. I understand more than every the absolute PULL of the very thing you know you don't want, and how it SEEMS like you want it. I want it, but I want the feeling, albeit temporary, of the relief of the adrenaline rush...not the inevitable drop afterward.

Yeah, I'm just struggling. I'm sick of the overseas diplomatic nonsense and miles of red tape. I think it's been enough. It's my turn now, isn't it?

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I used this as my profile photo because it's so easy to forget how many are affected by breast cancer...by cancer of any type...how many are still suffering, how vanquished we felt when told we were afflicted. Mine wasn't breast cancer, but I got the news all the same, and the feeling of confusion--the body betraying itself--will linger indefinitely. Walk for the cure, give a dollar, give some time, give your support any way you can.

out at night, photos she took

out at night, photos she took
Originally uploaded by Erica's Island

she went walking before and after dark, thinking of everything and nothing at once.

Double Post Script

I had a revelation today.

I don't even know how succinctly I can encapsulate it.

I've long been grappling with the current lack of craziness, the lack of daily to semi-daily adrenaline rushes in my life with Attila. It has been work every single day, regular practice and attention to the fact that my relationship is HEALTHY and that just because I've never known it doesn't mean it's not right.

What I love is that every single time Attila picks up the phone, every single day, I hear the exact joy I always wanted from every man I've ever loved. I hear the joy, the appreciation, the adoration, and more than anything, the welcome. I am welcomed into that life, and it is everything I always wanted to be. I have had it in my head that without the craziness, love is absent. I have sought the highs because they must be love! They were the highs not of love but of fear. This is a constant relief, and I am just not used to the lack of the highs and inevitable lows. In the past year I have asked myself hundreds of times if this is who and how I am now, if this is truly me, and I keep coming back to yes, yes, yes. I loved those moments, those years I spent with other men, but I was only half of what I could have been because I was always trying to prove myself and my worth, how wonderful it was to be with me, how lovable I really am. My life is no longer in jeopardy. I don't know how long it will take to acclimate to this life, but I am happy here in this new place. I think I'll stay.

Oh, p.s.

I need a new ringtone. Give me a good song NOW. I'm sick of the old nonsense and I want something that brings joy every time I hear it.

I am NOT caring for hearing Kings of Leon on the Today show for special investigations and the TBS introductions for Major League Baseball. No mainstreaming, PLEASE!

Saturday Night

What a wonderful day!
I got up around 7:45 and felt SO completely refreshed and ALIVE...and I know it had everything to do with the long talk I had with Abra and Ray last night. I happily jumped out of bed, threw on Ati's clothes, and flew over to Laura's to feed Cayleigh. While I was there I logged on and goofed around online while I kept Cayleigh company. Liz caught me online and told me about a great sale, and I said let's go NOW. I hadn't showered or even put on CLEAN clothes, but off we went. She was looking for some housewares and I the final pieces of our big halloween-costume extravaganza. A quick outing turned into an all-day affair with my trying travel incognito because I looked like all kinds of hell, but I was happy.

We ended up 2 stores down from the shop where my wedding dress is waiting patiently, and seeing as they called me several times to ask what I planned to do, I dropped in and tried it on. It's HUGE on me now. It needs to be taken WAY in, which is better than needing to be let out. I don't even know when I'll be getting married, so we're not going to start altering it just yet. I did have a large episode of remorse that I didn't go with my original wish for a red dress, that I got sucked into the world of white weddings, but I don't know what I can do about that now. It is what it is.

I'm exhausted! I spent a lot of money today and for what?
Oh Ati, I took some photos around dawn, the leaves and the grass wrapped in frost. I took them for you.

I miss everyone who knows me, loves me, gets me.
Namaste~xoe

Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire

I can never thank you enough, Peach.

Flaming Roses

Flaming Roses
Originally uploaded by Attila Racz

Happy Birthday.

Rachael Yamagata - Worn Me Down

I love it. Seriously.

No Internet

Yes, it's true.

I'm an addict.

I can't even tear myself away for a day. The computer is too tempting. If it's not email, it's Facebook. If I'm not on Etsy, I'm checking some other forums my friends and I frequent. I check my school email and my 2 other email accounts. I read the news, book reviews, goodreads updates, blah blah blah blah BLAH! I have a real problem. I spend ENTIRELY too much time online, wasting my life. It's time for a break. This week I'll log on to check my email at work (I had gmail forwarded here and my aol won't forward but there's a vacation response) and do whatever internet business needs to be done; and I'll use the computer at home ONLY to talk with Attila and save $34,795 on phone bills. Other than that, I'm off. It's a sickness. I may need a 12 step. I'll either seek methadone or become really creatively productive. I'm hoping for the latter.

Love you...write me at work!

xoe

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Medium

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