Sunday, October 26, 2008
Anonymous
I cared this morning when I read it; I don't care now. Whatever you think or however hurt you are is neither my fault nor my problem. At least own your anger and seek peace rather than trying to upset me to alleviate your pain. If I did something to wrong you, tell me and I'll do what I can to make it better; but let's try to heal and not tear down.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Black Roses
Why did he step on my heart again tonight? I was reaching out in peace and wellness, always looking for it, always working toward it. I don't understand.
Here's what I have to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvNcsgJ2RBA
Here's what I have to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvNcsgJ2RBA
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
If
If I had anything interesting to say, I'd surely be saying it. This week is getting away from me and I just keep going going trying to forge ahead toward something. I need to re-organize and get some structure and some type of PLAN going on, because all I do is work and get home from work avoiding everything overwhelming but nothing gets done. 9:04 and what have I done...a whole lot after work, and then I get home and it feels like a whole lot of nothing.
Whine whine whine!
I'm looking into the red dress.
You know.
Whine whine whine!
I'm looking into the red dress.
You know.
Monday, October 20, 2008
baby steps
I'm having a tough time tonight. Addictions are strong and long-lasting, and right now I'm struggling. I understand more than every the absolute PULL of the very thing you know you don't want, and how it SEEMS like you want it. I want it, but I want the feeling, albeit temporary, of the relief of the adrenaline rush...not the inevitable drop afterward.
Yeah, I'm just struggling. I'm sick of the overseas diplomatic nonsense and miles of red tape. I think it's been enough. It's my turn now, isn't it?
Yeah, I'm just struggling. I'm sick of the overseas diplomatic nonsense and miles of red tape. I think it's been enough. It's my turn now, isn't it?
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Breast Cancer Awareness Month
I used this as my profile photo because it's so easy to forget how many are affected by breast cancer...by cancer of any type...how many are still suffering, how vanquished we felt when told we were afflicted. Mine wasn't breast cancer, but I got the news all the same, and the feeling of confusion--the body betraying itself--will linger indefinitely. Walk for the cure, give a dollar, give some time, give your support any way you can.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
out at night, photos she took
she went walking before and after dark, thinking of everything and nothing at once.
Double Post Script
I had a revelation today.
I don't even know how succinctly I can encapsulate it.
I've long been grappling with the current lack of craziness, the lack of daily to semi-daily adrenaline rushes in my life with Attila. It has been work every single day, regular practice and attention to the fact that my relationship is HEALTHY and that just because I've never known it doesn't mean it's not right.
What I love is that every single time Attila picks up the phone, every single day, I hear the exact joy I always wanted from every man I've ever loved. I hear the joy, the appreciation, the adoration, and more than anything, the welcome. I am welcomed into that life, and it is everything I always wanted to be. I have had it in my head that without the craziness, love is absent. I have sought the highs because they must be love! They were the highs not of love but of fear. This is a constant relief, and I am just not used to the lack of the highs and inevitable lows. In the past year I have asked myself hundreds of times if this is who and how I am now, if this is truly me, and I keep coming back to yes, yes, yes. I loved those moments, those years I spent with other men, but I was only half of what I could have been because I was always trying to prove myself and my worth, how wonderful it was to be with me, how lovable I really am. My life is no longer in jeopardy. I don't know how long it will take to acclimate to this life, but I am happy here in this new place. I think I'll stay.
I don't even know how succinctly I can encapsulate it.
I've long been grappling with the current lack of craziness, the lack of daily to semi-daily adrenaline rushes in my life with Attila. It has been work every single day, regular practice and attention to the fact that my relationship is HEALTHY and that just because I've never known it doesn't mean it's not right.
What I love is that every single time Attila picks up the phone, every single day, I hear the exact joy I always wanted from every man I've ever loved. I hear the joy, the appreciation, the adoration, and more than anything, the welcome. I am welcomed into that life, and it is everything I always wanted to be. I have had it in my head that without the craziness, love is absent. I have sought the highs because they must be love! They were the highs not of love but of fear. This is a constant relief, and I am just not used to the lack of the highs and inevitable lows. In the past year I have asked myself hundreds of times if this is who and how I am now, if this is truly me, and I keep coming back to yes, yes, yes. I loved those moments, those years I spent with other men, but I was only half of what I could have been because I was always trying to prove myself and my worth, how wonderful it was to be with me, how lovable I really am. My life is no longer in jeopardy. I don't know how long it will take to acclimate to this life, but I am happy here in this new place. I think I'll stay.
Oh, p.s.
I need a new ringtone. Give me a good song NOW. I'm sick of the old nonsense and I want something that brings joy every time I hear it.
I am NOT caring for hearing Kings of Leon on the Today show for special investigations and the TBS introductions for Major League Baseball. No mainstreaming, PLEASE!
I am NOT caring for hearing Kings of Leon on the Today show for special investigations and the TBS introductions for Major League Baseball. No mainstreaming, PLEASE!
Saturday Night
What a wonderful day!
I got up around 7:45 and felt SO completely refreshed and ALIVE...and I know it had everything to do with the long talk I had with Abra and Ray last night. I happily jumped out of bed, threw on Ati's clothes, and flew over to Laura's to feed Cayleigh. While I was there I logged on and goofed around online while I kept Cayleigh company. Liz caught me online and told me about a great sale, and I said let's go NOW. I hadn't showered or even put on CLEAN clothes, but off we went. She was looking for some housewares and I the final pieces of our big halloween-costume extravaganza. A quick outing turned into an all-day affair with my trying travel incognito because I looked like all kinds of hell, but I was happy.
We ended up 2 stores down from the shop where my wedding dress is waiting patiently, and seeing as they called me several times to ask what I planned to do, I dropped in and tried it on. It's HUGE on me now. It needs to be taken WAY in, which is better than needing to be let out. I don't even know when I'll be getting married, so we're not going to start altering it just yet. I did have a large episode of remorse that I didn't go with my original wish for a red dress, that I got sucked into the world of white weddings, but I don't know what I can do about that now. It is what it is.
I'm exhausted! I spent a lot of money today and for what?
Oh Ati, I took some photos around dawn, the leaves and the grass wrapped in frost. I took them for you.
I miss everyone who knows me, loves me, gets me.
Namaste~xoe
I got up around 7:45 and felt SO completely refreshed and ALIVE...and I know it had everything to do with the long talk I had with Abra and Ray last night. I happily jumped out of bed, threw on Ati's clothes, and flew over to Laura's to feed Cayleigh. While I was there I logged on and goofed around online while I kept Cayleigh company. Liz caught me online and told me about a great sale, and I said let's go NOW. I hadn't showered or even put on CLEAN clothes, but off we went. She was looking for some housewares and I the final pieces of our big halloween-costume extravaganza. A quick outing turned into an all-day affair with my trying travel incognito because I looked like all kinds of hell, but I was happy.
We ended up 2 stores down from the shop where my wedding dress is waiting patiently, and seeing as they called me several times to ask what I planned to do, I dropped in and tried it on. It's HUGE on me now. It needs to be taken WAY in, which is better than needing to be let out. I don't even know when I'll be getting married, so we're not going to start altering it just yet. I did have a large episode of remorse that I didn't go with my original wish for a red dress, that I got sucked into the world of white weddings, but I don't know what I can do about that now. It is what it is.
I'm exhausted! I spent a lot of money today and for what?
Oh Ati, I took some photos around dawn, the leaves and the grass wrapped in frost. I took them for you.
I miss everyone who knows me, loves me, gets me.
Namaste~xoe
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
No Internet
Yes, it's true.
I'm an addict.
I can't even tear myself away for a day. The computer is too tempting. If it's not email, it's Facebook. If I'm not on Etsy, I'm checking some other forums my friends and I frequent. I check my school email and my 2 other email accounts. I read the news, book reviews, goodreads updates, blah blah blah blah BLAH! I have a real problem. I spend ENTIRELY too much time online, wasting my life. It's time for a break. This week I'll log on to check my email at work (I had gmail forwarded here and my aol won't forward but there's a vacation response) and do whatever internet business needs to be done; and I'll use the computer at home ONLY to talk with Attila and save $34,795 on phone bills. Other than that, I'm off. It's a sickness. I may need a 12 step. I'll either seek methadone or become really creatively productive. I'm hoping for the latter.
Love you...write me at work!
xoe
Sunday, July 13, 2008
| Greed: | Medium | |
| Gluttony: | High | |
| Wrath: | Low | |
| Sloth: | High | |
| Envy: | Very Low | |
| Lust: | Very High | |
| Pride: | Medium |
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
on.the.train.to.brighton
Here is the man who gets shy once the camera is facing him, and always tells me I'm too close for a portrait. I wonder how soon he'll learn that when I'm this close, I'm shooting a movie! He's tough to understand because he's quiet and there's an accent involved, but I hope you can hear the happiness in my voice.
Friday, May 9, 2008
They can't have me.
I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.
Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.
Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.
I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.
I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.
Wish that you could, but you ain't gonna own me.
Do anything you can to control me.
Oh, no.
Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.
Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.
There's a place that I go,
But nobody knows.
Where the rivers flow,
And I call it home.
And there's no more lies.
In the darkness, there's light.
And nobody cries.
There's only butterflies.
Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.
Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.
The sun is on my side.
Take me for a ride.
I smile up to the sky.
I know I'll be all right.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
I will begin...
Love, I haven't forgotten.
I will write everything, everything of you, of me and us, of my time with you and everything inside and around us. I will begin soon. I am still picking the flowers from the bouquet and looking at each and every one for its beauty. I still breathe in the scents and let them flood me, eyes closed, remembering. I miss you.
I will write everything, everything of you, of me and us, of my time with you and everything inside and around us. I will begin soon. I am still picking the flowers from the bouquet and looking at each and every one for its beauty. I still breathe in the scents and let them flood me, eyes closed, remembering. I miss you.
Monday, February 25, 2008
My Sexy Fiance
oh
my
God.
You know, this guy doesn't even smoke, but on this day perhaps there was a celebration. What I DO know is that I find this picture DAMN SEXY and knowing that his thighs are as fantastic as they look in this picture just TOTALLY turns me on.
I know, I may be alone in my attraction to this photo with all the military garb and the one-man arsenal and the testosterone, but DAMN I find this photo AMAZING. It's several years old, but he just shared it with me today. I think the fact that he was a NATO Peacekeeper elevates his role away from aggressor toward protector. I respect the nobility of it. Of course it's also that I find him one of the gentlest men I've ever met. I like that he can simultaneously be this strong, solid protector and a kind, gentle soul.
He's back from Hungary and I'm SO glad to see his smiling face... it MADE MY DAY.
This guy never ceases to amaze me. GOD I'm happy!
♥e
my
God.
You know, this guy doesn't even smoke, but on this day perhaps there was a celebration. What I DO know is that I find this picture DAMN SEXY and knowing that his thighs are as fantastic as they look in this picture just TOTALLY turns me on.
I know, I may be alone in my attraction to this photo with all the military garb and the one-man arsenal and the testosterone, but DAMN I find this photo AMAZING. It's several years old, but he just shared it with me today. I think the fact that he was a NATO Peacekeeper elevates his role away from aggressor toward protector. I respect the nobility of it. Of course it's also that I find him one of the gentlest men I've ever met. I like that he can simultaneously be this strong, solid protector and a kind, gentle soul.
He's back from Hungary and I'm SO glad to see his smiling face... it MADE MY DAY.
This guy never ceases to amaze me. GOD I'm happy!
♥e
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday
Today was an insanely busy workday...I really haven't slowed down much but it's 10:22 and I must think about getting to bed. I had a wonderful day, only to arrive home to an incorrect parcel from my ex, who then proceeded to lie up a storm and contradict himself over and over until there were simply no words. Laughable indeed.
After that brief yet ridiculous conversation I headed in to print the photos with the date and learned how to set my camera to use the pictbridge function and it went so smoothly I could kiss whomever invented the dang thing. While things were printing I watched the movie I took of Attila in our London flat as he made me laugh hysterically. I felt SO wonderful...then Anne needed a particular type of poetry and I retrieved a book from the shelf and read some poems aloud. We had a solidly soulful talk minus personal sadness, and have been on the phone since. Oooh...we're up to 7 hours on the phone. I just told her and she said "Really? Feels like 20 minutes." Exactly. We've printed, read, cooked, researched online, written letters, paid bills, packed FedEx parcels, sketched moon journal covers, discussed tomorrow's eclipse, and run the gamut of joyous lives. It's a gift. She's probably coming for her spring break, which is right before my spring break! I'll take a few days off and we'll go south to try on wedding dresses. I'm SO excited! My curriculum fair, class play, and yearly observation will be OVER and I'll be in the free zone. It's wonderful news.
Today was a good day after all.
Szeretlek,
♥e
After that brief yet ridiculous conversation I headed in to print the photos with the date and learned how to set my camera to use the pictbridge function and it went so smoothly I could kiss whomever invented the dang thing. While things were printing I watched the movie I took of Attila in our London flat as he made me laugh hysterically. I felt SO wonderful...then Anne needed a particular type of poetry and I retrieved a book from the shelf and read some poems aloud. We had a solidly soulful talk minus personal sadness, and have been on the phone since. Oooh...we're up to 7 hours on the phone. I just told her and she said "Really? Feels like 20 minutes." Exactly. We've printed, read, cooked, researched online, written letters, paid bills, packed FedEx parcels, sketched moon journal covers, discussed tomorrow's eclipse, and run the gamut of joyous lives. It's a gift. She's probably coming for her spring break, which is right before my spring break! I'll take a few days off and we'll go south to try on wedding dresses. I'm SO excited! My curriculum fair, class play, and yearly observation will be OVER and I'll be in the free zone. It's wonderful news.
Today was a good day after all.
Szeretlek,
♥e
Monday, February 18, 2008
♥Valentine♥
BEST
ONE
EVER!
ONE
EVER!
No need for extravagance, only true love and genuine interest in ME and doing right by me. Love.
As for the rest of the weekend, nothing huge other than an effort to retrieve my last loose ends from my ex but as per his usual modus operandi, he created drama, pitted me as the instigator, and tried to draw me in only to run away pointing and laughing. My thoughts on that are that I really don't care. I was irritated because I did NOT like the feeling when it was happening within the relationship, but all these months later when I've been so far from it, it is an uncomfortable reminder of the past. It shook me, but I came out of it damn quickly. My love with Attila is so complete...when I was weeping for the past, he said "There is a happy future." He could not have done or said any better than that.
In fact:
"thank you sweetie
you know
when I feel I hate the world
I always just want you
nothing else
just you
being with you
all the time
because
I know
you are the person
who understands me
and loves me
and wants me...
it's a frickin good feeling."
Yes it is, Love.
Yes it is.
As for the rest of the weekend, nothing huge other than an effort to retrieve my last loose ends from my ex but as per his usual modus operandi, he created drama, pitted me as the instigator, and tried to draw me in only to run away pointing and laughing. My thoughts on that are that I really don't care. I was irritated because I did NOT like the feeling when it was happening within the relationship, but all these months later when I've been so far from it, it is an uncomfortable reminder of the past. It shook me, but I came out of it damn quickly. My love with Attila is so complete...when I was weeping for the past, he said "There is a happy future." He could not have done or said any better than that.
In fact:
"thank you sweetie
you know
when I feel I hate the world
I always just want you
nothing else
just you
being with you
all the time
because
I know
you are the person
who understands me
and loves me
and wants me...
it's a frickin good feeling."
Yes it is, Love.
Yes it is.
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