I haven't written in a week.
It has been a strange time, full of ups-and-downs. The week went well, but I took a bunch of colleagues and friends to see Jan, and it broke my heart over and over again. I think we all needed to do it together. We knew we should go, but none of us could have done it alone. It is difficult to keep yourself afloat in a conversation with someone then say goodbye and walk out knowing it'll be the last time you see her. So the FC and I put our arms around each other and walked slowly toward the elevator, letting the tears go where they would.
Some people from the past, from whom I NEVER expected to hear again, have reappeared in my life and their little here-and-there presences are making me smile. I have also been speaking with someone a LOT, and I don't know what to make of him. He is far away, but he seems like someone I know...it is not that he reminds me of someone, just that he feels like a familiar friend and not a relative stranger. My heart is so full these days. There are so many people in there, and still there is one whose departure devastates me over and over. I miss my friend...I really do.
But that crazy girl in the photo with the crooked smile keeps trying. She gets up in the morning with an open heart, so full of love. She breaks down from time to time, but she tries. That open heart...it's all over the map...at this moment the Keller says that heart needs to settle down, and that I don't want to take 2 steps forward and 18 steps back. As much as I want him, he does not seem to reciprocate right now. So true. I have had such a difficult time keeping my feelings quiet when it comes to him. It is antithetical to everything we have ever been, but he has left my life and so everything that was, has changed.
I have no answers. Life is short. No more holding out for the brass ring. Reach for stars and catch the moon.
♥e
P.S. Happy Birthday, Jen.
1 comment:
Thanks, Babe.
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