...

..., originally uploaded by Attila Racz.

Is he amazing or what?

Him

"Welcome Home Sweetie !!

How was your day? :)

This is a picture of me, not the best but I wanted to send a picture :)

Did you change your dresses for comfortable?"




Would you just look at how precious? We're talking about a man who is speaking a foreign language to make ME feel good.

I really like this guy!

crooked smile, crooked mentality

crooked smile, crooked mentality, originally uploaded by EricasIsland.

I haven't written in a week.
It has been a strange time, full of ups-and-downs. The week went well, but I took a bunch of colleagues and friends to see Jan, and it broke my heart over and over again. I think we all needed to do it together. We knew we should go, but none of us could have done it alone. It is difficult to keep yourself afloat in a conversation with someone then say goodbye and walk out knowing it'll be the last time you see her. So the FC and I put our arms around each other and walked slowly toward the elevator, letting the tears go where they would.

Some people from the past, from whom I NEVER expected to hear again, have reappeared in my life and their little here-and-there presences are making me smile. I have also been speaking with someone a LOT, and I don't know what to make of him. He is far away, but he seems like someone I know...it is not that he reminds me of someone, just that he feels like a familiar friend and not a relative stranger. My heart is so full these days. There are so many people in there, and still there is one whose departure devastates me over and over. I miss my friend...I really do.

But that crazy girl in the photo with the crooked smile keeps trying. She gets up in the morning with an open heart, so full of love. She breaks down from time to time, but she tries. That open heart...it's all over the map...at this moment the Keller says that heart needs to settle down, and that I don't want to take 2 steps forward and 18 steps back. As much as I want him, he does not seem to reciprocate right now. So true. I have had such a difficult time keeping my feelings quiet when it comes to him. It is antithetical to everything we have ever been, but he has left my life and so everything that was, has changed.

I have no answers. Life is short. No more holding out for the brass ring. Reach for stars and catch the moon.

♥e

P.S. Happy Birthday, Jen.

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I met some lovely LOVELY men today, and their genuine ease and kindness have inspired me. What a difference...what a new world.

So we'll see what happens with all of them. I am just enjoying their conversation right now, and the absolute lack of guise or guile. THANK you! But they are cute and endearing in their own ways, and in my life now, anything can happen. I was up until 5am this morning turning the corner, making the change.

This is Bella Gnocca, signing off.
xoxo ♥e

P.S. Yes, G, we are both mourning; but we must smile sometime.

we'll shine

It is very late and I am tired but I do not want to go to bed. This begs the question WHY and I don't know the answer. Something feels amiss. Something somewhere is out of order, and I wish I could find it before I gave up on it for the night.

I see so many people are up...I have heard from a few friends here at this late hour, and perhaps it has something to do with the prominence of Mars at the current moment...this will pass; but until then, my whole self---body, mind, and spirit---are running wild.

P.S. I can't...

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures

Can someone please tell me what happened to MANNERS and COMMON SENSE? This oafish woman at the grocery walked RIGHT in front of me with her cart and TOTALLY NEGLECTED to say "Excuse me". She then parked her cart and her wide-load ass RIGHT next to me and stood no more than 10 inches from me to look for her item. I soon realized she might need something RIGHT where I was standing, but REFUSED to move until she said something. FINALLY she said "excuse me" and then I announced "Of course!" but neglected to add the seemingly obligatory "You offensive heifer!"

The Difficult Present
1) My friend is days from her death and knows it
2) It makes me want to pull near some who want to stay distant
3) Motivation = Zero
4) Loneliness
5) Distraction

The Grateful Present
1) Life and Health of so many
2) My own life's bounty
3) Absolute zeal for next summer's plan
4) October evenings, despite the wrath of the daylight hours
5) Other Loves


This is a strange, mysterious year. There are new people everywhere in my life, and I am enjoying wandering down new avenues. All the same, I miss you. I wish you were here.

Double Dose

I got two extra-large helpings of sad, difficult news today. I can't even bear to think of both of them because I have spent the last several hours laughing heartily though deep down there was a clear sadness. We cannot spend our lives mired in sadness, and since I have struggled so much in the past few months I am grateful to have finally found some absolute joy again-- and I'm holding on fiercely but strongly.

I can't even write clearly enough to make that a cogent paragraph, but we know what I mean.

There is no time to waste.
e

From the French

Je tombe pour un homme jouant des jeux avec des coeurs maintenus à la longueur de bras.
Je récupère d'une domination et arrive à son soulèvement haletant de coffre de broyage de coeur de porte
lèvres légèrement dessinées à part
pour le souffle, le baiser
pour éteindre chaque soif que j'ai jamais sue.

Je fais un pas en avant
et rencontrez le talon d'une paume poussée dans mon sternum,
même l'arrêt
un ajustement parfait au-dessous du breastbone.
Atteinte de inclinaison principale de lèvres
pour la carotte invisible au-dessus de ma tête.

Là voyages de son coeur
par son bras un courant
émanant dans ma moelle,
une énergie aiment l'électricité choquant son coeur ma palpitation de palpitation de coeur
les cellules légères de dix-millièmes par des artères aux veines aux artères aux veines et au dos encore un circuit accomplissent ainsi mes trouvailles de bouche la carotte entre ses lèvres.

*********
I am falling for a man playing games with hearts
kept at arms length.
I am recovering from a stranglehold
and arrive at his door gasping
heart pounding chest heaving
lips lightly drawn apart
for the breath, the kiss
to quench every thirst I've ever known.

I step forward
and meet the heel of a palm
thrust into my sternum,
even the stop
a perfect fit below the breastbone.
Head tilting lips reaching
for the invisible carrot above my head.

There travels from his heart
through his arm a current
emanating into my marrow,
an energy like electricity shocking
his heart my heart pulsing pulsing
ten thousand light cells through
arteries to veins to arteries to veins
and back again a circuit so complete
my mouth finds the carrot between his lips.

**********
♥e

You're HOT!

You are, you know.

I think you're amazing, and I love you.

I miss you, too!

xoxo
♥e