the.last.of.it

I was up before dawn this morning, and I'm not altogether certain why. I opened the door for the dog and had to grab my camera before setting my toes onto the cold bricks. September is coolly slipping away, slyly turning its head and smirking in its deceit. We were all tricked, earlier believing fall was upon us only to be taunted by the most brutal of Indian summers. Finally it is taking leave and none too soon; I am done with it. The further I get from July, the better.

After watching the sun come up, I went back to bed and woke four hours later with the most wicked of migraines and sinus pain. I could not lift my head enough to sit on the couch so stayed in bed until around 4pm. The entire day was spent in unbearable pain, and I would like to believe there was a reason half my weekend was for naught, but I cannot find one.

So here I am at the end of the weekend, facing a week without having had a fulfilling weekend, but so be it.

One of my Lauras wanted me to check out LA Ink to see Kat Von D and as luck would have it, there was a marathon starting just as my headache abated...and now I'm hooked. I was doing SO well on cutting back on my television watching! I don't know what it is about this show (yes, I'm watching it RIGHT now) that just DRAWS me in, but I can't get enough. I should be in bed!

That's it...off with me.
♥e

I ♥ Lollibomb

from "Tell me something I don't know" ericasisland says: Here is something very conservative from me... George Washington looked NOTHING like he does in all his portraits. He posed for the most famous one (what we see on dollar bills and everywhere else) immediately following a rigourous tooth-pulling, sans painkillers, and had wads of cotton stuffed into his cheeks to absorb the blood. He was actually a very handsome man with normal unchipmunk-like cheeks. (Neither did he chop down a cherry tree.) Now, in honor of Luca's pursuit of the golden ticket, I will add that one year, as I taught this information to my first grade class; I had a little girl masturbate herself to orgasm. Posted at 2:40 pm, September 28 2007 EST

Boxie says: a first grader?? Posted at 2:42 pm, September 28 2007 EST

didileo says: are you serious????? Posted at 2:43 pm, September 28 2007 EST

radiantjewels says: wow -- at all of this Posted at 2:43 pm, September 28 2007 EST

Lollibomb says: Holy-effin'-SHIT. Ass Goddess in the house, ya'll!!! Posted at 2:43 pm, September 28 2007 EST

didileo says: oh my, erica definitely wins! Posted at 2:43 pm, September 28 2007 EST

Lollibomb says: Erica ALWAYS wins.

Migraine, Day 3

How much time do you spend thinking about whether or not you are what and where you are supposed to be? I usually abide within that Zen state of true acceptance of what is as what should be; but lately I am curious about what it all says to me, and what the meaning of this here-and-now truly is.

Thank you for spending some time with me tonight, the 4 of you who whispered into my ears, made me laugh, rubbed my back, and loved me. I love you back.

xo♥e

Pull me out

I've decided not to take the November trip. Something no longer feels right about it, and I'm going with my gut on this one. (Actually, when do I NOT go with my gut?) My gut is also telling me some things have changed but I wonder how much of that is anxiety and my self-defense mechanism preparing me for disappointment.

This is just a depressing conversation. Moving on.

I made a lot of progress on one of the 2 bedroom paintings. That made me REALLY happy on Tuesday night, but Wednesday I was flattened by a migraine and had to lie in a dark dark room in a dark dark wood (cute little book) and do nothing.

I just want so much in the way of natural human happiness, neither material possessions nor unrealistic expectations, but waking and sending out all this love not merely through my job, but my relationships and my writing and my painting. I want to give to someone and keep myself awake and alive late late in the night with the natural energy and joy that comes from doing what I love.

There is a poem looming over my head but I cannot channel it just yet. I feel once again, I am like Stravinsky's theory -- that I will neither create nor own it, but be the vehicle through which [the poem] flows. I wonder if I will always feel this distance from the words when they are simultaneously the most intimate thing I know, or if I will keep myself outside peering through the window once they are alive. Oh I miss my mountain friends so much right now I can barely take it. I would so love to step back into the valley of Canaan (oh, the obvious correlations) but that was 9 years ago and it hurts to think of all that has transpired between that week and this. A whole lifetime...in fact, several, and I feel them all crashing down on me this moment, the giving and the loss, the cycle from joy to mourning.

I am sitting in the darkness with the windows open at this late hour, the crickets and cicadas carrying on, the dog's claws scraping the gravel as she wanders, a deer snorting at her from the ridge. I have waited all day for this breeze, and it's carrying me back to bed.

I miss you.
♥e

Inquire Within

Anyone want to go with me to London in November? I'm serious.

the monday before the tuesday and nothing redeeming so far

I am in a particularly disjointed, disconcerted mood today. Not angry or hostile, or depressed, just a little melancholy when I take a break from being goofy. Nothing is going particularly "right" today. I think I'm a bit ticked over some things and I'd like to get over them but I can't, not yet. I just cannot understand a few things that have taken place and nothing can fix those things, I just have to learn to accept them. This is neither a quick nor easy lesson. *Sigh*

Let's add to that the fact that I'm fighting some stuffy throaty thing; my black dress flew open while teaching (button in critical area); I forgot to get a package into the mail and it's almost late; it's crummy Monday before THE Tuesday, and there's a dead mouse stuck in the wall in the CENTER of my house UPSTAIRS...so that it stinks EVERYWHERE, mainly the teeny-tiny windowless bathroom. Yesterday was particularly hideous, and I had hoped we had reached the apex of stink; but I walked into the house this afternoon and straightaway it was foul. I really just don't care for that.

Mostly I'm really tired of boys giving me conflicting messages. Didn't you read the post about flirting with me? READ ITHERE, NOW.

Come on!

meow meow meow.

Marona's

All too often in the hurry and routine of our daily lives we miss the finer aspects of the commonplace. I do it all the time, take for granted what comes and goes so easily for me. I ran some errands in town yesterday, and it was not until very early this morning that I realized how lovely it had been. I parked my car outside the hardware store and walked Sadie to the little family IGA, Marona's, the only grocery store within 10 miles. If Sadie were a dog I could carry in one arm I'd have brought her in. She is so adorable, so friendly and snuggly that I didn't want to leave her outside too long. I looped her around the shady tree in the small yard, and went inside. I was in such a rush to get back to her that I missed all the joys that usually comprise my experience. Everyone who works there (less than ten people total, I'd say) will give you a big hello if you pass them while they work. Matt also works as an EMT and drove the ambulance when I severed the nerves in my hand. All of them will ask you if you need help finding anything if you look perplexed.I love the knowledge they all have. No one will ever look at you blankly, or stand there umming and hmming after a question. They are fast on their feet and know exactly where everything is because they stock the shelves and overhead hooks themselves. One of the eldest gentleman was out for quite awhile last year and by the conversations I overheard plus the absence of the large mole on his nose, I am gathering he had a bad bout with skin cancer. He is a quiet man, a hard worker, and I would guess he has spent most of the hours of his life within that store doing whatever needs to be done.

Sometimes when I pass the butcher counter there will be two or three people behind it and they always make me laugh after they greet me. They will do anything I could wish - debone and skin chickens, portion and wrap separately, take the fat off a piece of beef,or take a leg of lamb and cut it into smaller pieces for a fantastic stew recipe I just couldn't wait any longer to try. More than that, they will do it happily, almost as if they've been waiting all day for me. While they work, I continue my shopping, maneuvering my little cart through the four narrow aisles, invariably scraping the wheels sideways to turn a tight corner. When I'm lucky, I'll find the cat, sometimes curled up on a box of Tide, other times roaming the aisles surely looking for me. I pick her up and carry her for the rest of my shopping. She is a sweet little one, a tiny tabby who fits between my bent elbow and my shoulder, purring and mewing softly as I speak to her. Someone always tells me I must be special because she doesn't go to just anyone, that no one else can carry her around like that while they shop. Most times I'd like to walk out with her and take her right home with me, but then there wouldn't be the joy of finding her on an odd Tuesday after a long, loud day.

By the time I get to one of the two registers, I am sure there is something else I want but can't remember. I usually head for the shorter, older of the two women...the one with the glasses and the curly helmet of a head of hair. I'm not altogether certain why, but I think in some way she calms me in an old-fashioned way. No matter who rings me up, it is clear that they've been trained on how to pack a paper bag. This is a lost art, and I long for it every time I shop elsewhere and some unknowing teen has shoved three items haphazardly into a plastic sack before reaching for a new one. I love the way these ladies and gentlemen can use every square inch of a paper bag and nothing is ever crooked, my bread is never crushed, and my eggs arrive in strangely pristine condition even though I might find the carton placed on its short side.

Every day these folks are performing a dying art. The combination of varying knowledges and genuine friendliness within their customer service is neither simple nor mundane. It is beautiful, the way they make people feel welcome and important, the way they know the answers to your questions and work happily to do or get whatever you need, and the way they connect with each person in the way that suits the experience. If you want to be quiet and left alone, you are. If you need help, they know. If you need to connect to another human being with small talk, they are more than obliging. I always walk out satisfied; and if I walk out with too many bags, there is a gentleman who will leave his register or his task to carry them to my car. I will gladly hand over my money for the goods in this store. I am getting more than the items that find their way into my cart -- I am being nourished in so many ways.

"...you need a long toe."

and other strange statements of the day...

"Here's Sadie's cheeseburger."
(Sadie is a dog.)

"I can't let my father see my "Ass Goddess" and "I ♥ Titty Effing" pins!"

"Oh I'll get her Gingerbread, if I don't already have it."

on marriage: "You just pick the right one to be in the foxhole with, and when you're out of the foxhole you keep your dick in your pants."

AlxPeach: what is wrong with me?

EricasIsland: a myriad of things

"Please stand by, we've got a real bark-off going on over here."

AlxPeach:you definitely deserve him

EricasIsland:thank you...you know what? I deserve him if he's READY to be a grown man---not if he wants to be stupid; because I don't deserve stupid.

"Maybe they ought to set up weekly meetings of the We Fucked Up club."
--Frankly, I've got someone in mind to spearhead the whole organization.


Smile, Friends. It's come to this.
♥e

Is that really what you wanted to say to me?

I do not find spite a particularly useful endeavor.

I am aggravated because I think something was done spitefully, to illustrate something other than what was implied, and it hurt. I would like to have let things be, but I didn't.

In the meantime, just hear this: No need to bother. Message received. I get it, and so be it.

~*~

thank you, Stacey

"Wow what a back to school night!! Your confidence has always been incredible but I've got to tell you this was your best one yet. Thanks so much for all you do for those kids, and if any parent ever questions you after that presentation they need serious help.

You have always had such a great presence but I've got to tell you that tonight there was something about you, a glow, a fire, a something that I can not put into words that was beyond compare. You are such a gifted teacher, an amazing person, and someone that deserves nothing but the very BEST in all aspects of your life. Even Bobby said that there was something different about you tonight, besides looking more amazing then ever, he said there was something else he could not put his finger on. I then told him about the tough summer you had, and the new outlook you were going forward with. He said that when one door closes another door will open, and usually what awaits us on the other side of the door is usually the best thing for us. We just don't believe it at the time when that first door is hitting us in the butt. So anyway what we are trying to say is that we are glad that you are in our life, we have so much respect for you."

***************************

I don't know that I can ever thank her enough for saying that.

***************************

That Monday night cast a shadow over my entire week. My appetite is off; I am exhausted but can't sleep (look at the time of this post); my mind is wandering and I am lacking the strength to veer it in the right direction. Wednesday's only just BEGUN and if yesterday was any indication of what things are like now, the kids are sensing my change and rolling right over me. Yesterday during recess one little boy got bitten on the bicep by a child from another class. It broke the skin so his mom came to pick him up and I was fine with that (unusual) because he was REALLY enjoying his new roll as boy-with-injury. Shortly afterward, they both show up at my door (JUST as I was kicking my good deep-south Poppleton accent into high gear during Lit time) and lo and behold, he wants to stay. Mom's fighting back tears; I'm trying to comfort her yet return to my story post haste; and he's savoring the moment. I'm telling you that boy walked around with his arm clutched to his chest like the walking wounded. You'd think he were a vet returning from war with a medical discharge the way he proceeded. Finally I told him his arm was going to hurt even MORE if he didn't relax it and let it hang the way it should rather than clutching it to his ribs as if he were wearing a sling. I have another little girl, all of 12 pounds herself, with a heavy plaster cast extending from just below her shoulder all the way over her knuckles, and she manages with less dramatic flair than this little neosporined thespian. I hope he's back to normal today. I need a LITTLE bit of normalcy wherever I can find it.

Frankly I hope I'M back to normal. I don't think sitting here at 2:50am is going to help, so I'm back to the SC for round 2.

♥e

Breathe Me

I am in love with this song.

I love the stops and starts, her breathing, the vulnerability and absolute opening that comes from her need. I get that.

I love how this ends...with a surprise; and how sometimes, in fleeting moments, we look alike. If you know me, look for it. I am running.

♥e

As her wings unfold, she schemes

As her wings unfold, she schemes... originally uploaded by EricasIsland.

I woke this morning breathing the chilled September air deep into my lungs, the rain slapping against the roof. I curled the duvet around my shoulders and over my neck, inhaling deeply. There are few things as sweet as a fall morning, my feet soft and warm under the down, my nose tingling. I rolled over and slid back into the warm spot, only my face happy for the cool cotton, and considered the day. It is not often that I want to start a day early; I usually prefer to linger and savor the morning from my island of bed, but today was different. The day was rife with possibilities, and everything seems to have fallen into place. Liz and I met up very early and ran fun errands, our arms aching from heavy surprise packages, and picked up lunch before heading to her house to make cookies. We played with Lucy, I went on to play with Sadie at my parents, sitting on the deck and throwing the frisbee for the little prancer. I saw mom's new artwork, asked for and acquired a perfect new leather-topped oak table for my studio, and headed home. There are cats chasing each other about, rustling among emptied bags and the scent of macintosh apples filling the house. I had some lovely conversation with Peach, with whom I'd like to be at Renegade this weekend...sometimes Chicago is SO close but so far...I'll live vicariously through her adventure there, but I am happy with my own right here. I am snuggled under a warm blanket again, happy for the Parrish-like sunset, and a whole fall Sunday wide open to whimsy.

♥e

you give me lo-o-o-o-ove and affection now...

I walked into my house tonight and not only was it perfectly chilled from wide-open windows, but it held the scent of cedar with a shade of male cologne...so much so that I looked around wondering if one had been here unbeknownst to me. I am so tired, yawning until my eyes tear, but I am so happy about being able to sleep in that it keeps me awake and happy.

I made the mistake of scouting out some things online and considered and reconsidered some men with whom I shared critical aspects of my life in the recent past. I peered into their present and started to smirk at the realization that my life has become so distant from theirs in so short a period of time, but then I remembered where I was and why they were critical at the time. I am better for the experience, even though the taste of it has soured slightly.

Screw it. I did what I needed to do and have no regrets. It's just amazing how life can change so quickly, sometimes imperceptibly but other times so radically that you almost don't recognize yourself from one month to the next. I recognize myself quite well these days. I remember emerging from the shell, and owe something quite large to those who held the egg that I was while I curiously tapped it from within. Though you are gone for now, I smile to think of you and that time... the two of you rescued me.

~*

I spent the afternoon and evening, deep into the night, at the most wonderful birthday party I can remember. I have a kindred heart-- a wonderful soulmate, an incarnation of the most loving, beautiful spirit, and she fits me joyfully. We curl up together like mother and daughter but she walks this world in her seven year old feet acting, talking, gesticulating, thinking, feeling, LOVING like I do. Tonight her mother said "I produced a mini you. She worships the goddess." We get each other, and I am SO grateful to have her in my life. I ♥ you, Bex.

~*

I need a vacation. Someone offer me one.

♥e

Ray LaMontagne - Trouble

This song is about me now.

Because I said so.

Just accept it.

Got those Monday blues

I got NOTHIN!

Oh, I sold a painting on Saturday, and finished a new one yesterday. The studio is almost completely renovated, and the downstairs is ALMOST finished and looking the way I want it.

Last night I was speaking with Peach as she geared up for a big night out. She needed a little shot of something and the next thing I know she tells me she's having a cosmo...then adds "from a box." I asked how the hell you get a cosmo from a box, but she said it comes pre-made and is pretty tasty and I ought to try it. I'm not the biggest fan of cosmos as it is, so I don't think a box is in my future. If I'm going to have something, it's going into a glass and I'm savoring it.

Nothing against my dear Peach and her juicebox cosmo...frankly, the whole thing gave me a sweet giggle.

♥e
(Bella Gnocca, to 1)

She is a goddess

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.
~ Anais Nin


Lately I am very close to the miracle...very close.

A Joyous Surprise

I forgot his phone number.

I had to call over an issue with a bill and when I picked up the phone I didn't know what to dial. He was always on speed dial. I sat there staring at the keypad while I thought about it but couldn't come up with the number.

I threw my head back and laughed while Ani sang.

(I feel the party is over if you wanna take a walk.)

hokey pianos and flying words

I am so damn sick of that eharmony commercial I could punch the television every time it comes on. It's not the premise of eharmony or that other people are happy; it's that damn music they play. I've HAD IT! It's even worse when that Dr. Neil Warren comes on with his white-haired big-face smile and gushes about his 40,000 page questionnaire to match people on personality dimensions. I even reject the term "personality dimensions" because I agree that there are dimensions to personality, but I hate the way those two words have been put together and shoved into our ears over and over again. Then there are those words doming over the screen like a sideways waterfall, all those different "personality dimensions" flying past us, I just want to say HEY, GIMME A BREAK WITH THE NOUNS!

They had better get their ad agency on a new commercial before I start the hate mail.

the stars kept her up all night

the stars kept her up all night
Originally uploaded by EricasIsland

I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so tired. At 3am the treefrogs were determined to get me up with them, and so I was. The world has been so clear lately; the night sky, the air, the path I am on all spreading out like a picnic blanket calling me toward days of bliss. Here on the cusp of Saturday, I am gratified by having earned the weekend ahead, and elated at the possibilities before me.

♥e

gratitude necklace, rocking chair

gratitude necklace, rocking chair, originally uploaded by EricasIsland.

I wore my new necklace for the first time today. It kept the concept of gratitude close to my heart. Of course at around 1pm, one of the children asked me what that thing was on my neck. I started feeling around thinking I had a sticker or something bizarre stuck to me, asking, "What thing?" The response: "That white thing." I said "IT'S A NECKLACE!"

This is what I'm working with.

Etsians Say The Darnedest Things

Etsians Say The Darnedest Things

I am an Etsian, and this time I said the darnedest thing!
Click it and see what I said, and also what Abitabite said about me. She knows me QUITE well now! I ♥ TMI, and I ♥ Abit for quoting me here.

I've made her blog...I'm the real deal now.
♥e

P.S. She might be right, this might be THE CLEANEST post I've ever made to the forum. I can't help it; I am who I am... and Krystan made me the name-pin to show for it, and NO you CAN'T see it here, you'll have to ask!

in the breeze of the screen door...

...as summer fades away.

It is late, so so late; but I cannot let go of summer.

The phone rings at midnight; no one can sleep.
We write notes, eat bowls of cereal, twirl locks of hair, and turn our minds away from the week ahead - laughing all the while. Today I stood in the afternoon sun and made a star shadow with my body. I watched bees pull pollen from the innards of hydrangea blossoms. I shed my clothes and dove straight into the pool without first toeing the water. I found maple leaves turning toward Fall and took photographs in the breeze.

I am not weary of summer, but it slips out my door without so much as a goodbye.

~
*