were it were done well

I think it's finally done.
As unpleasant and sad as it all is, I know it needs to happen. I am tired of goodbyes.

November answer to his request that I choose.

HERE'S what I HAVE to say...and I DO have to say it in order to clear my soul.

I hate you for this.
I hate you because I love you.
I hate that you want me back.
I hate the memory that as I plead with you in the driveway, I see you giving me the finger as you peel out and speed away.
I hate that I'm waiting by the side of the road with your dog in my backseat and you speed past me to get to work, ignoring me.
I hate that I felt so abandoned for so many days and weeks and months and YEARS.
I hate that I came home on a snowy Tuesday to find you had vanished, completely, to leave me in a screaming, sobbing heap on the stairwell.
I hate that you never called in the days afterward while I dissolved into a fraction of who I had been.
I hate all the times you never gave me your phone number, and when I called my house from your phone to have it, you showed nothing but rejection and disappointment.
I hate that you didn't tell me where you lived.
I hate that when I found out and showed up on yet another winter night, knocking on your door and throwing stones at your window, begging to see you, you turned off the lights & ignored me all night.
I hate that you kicked me out of all the places you lived to be AWAY from me and now you pull THIS and tell me I have to want it when my sticking by you all along should have been fucking proof beyond proof that I would have done anything for you.
I hate that you yelled that I, too, kicked you out when I wanted you to cool down because the fact that you ALWAYS had a key because YOU LIVED HERE and I ALWAYS wanted you here should have been evidence that I never really kicked you out.
I hate that I stood by you through your alcoholism and sobering and college and ALWAYS made excuses and reasons and explanations for you no matter what I wanted and how much I didn't give a shit WHERE else you wanted to be or chose to be because DAMMIT you SHOULD have been NEXT TO ME.
I hate that I ALWAYS chose to focus on the positive with you, no matter how much negative attempted to overshadow it.
I hate that all I wanted was to be near you, to spend time with you, to be close enough to touch you, to laugh with you, to hear your voice and your thoughts, and be in the company of the man I loved beyond all understanding and believed was my soulmate on this planet, but was told to leave, pushed out, left crying on doorsteps, and yelled at, on even that very last day, told that I was not wanted there.
I hate that you didn't get it.
I hate that you said you did, but didn't act like it.
I hate that you lied to me about being committed to me.
I hate that you lied to me about ANYTHING.
I hate that of COURSE I have things I would do differently and that I know I wasn't perfect, but that I DO know my love for you WAS perfect because I couldn't have accepted you any more or loved you any better.
I hate that you made me wait for the crumbs from your table, and I tolerated it.
I hate how many times you made me a fool.
I hate that on September 6, 2004, I lit 365 candles to commemorate your 365 days of sobriety and all you could do was sit paralyzed in fear that I was about to ask you to marry me.
I hate that you left for China for months without even considering me.
I hate that I proposed after your return from China and you barked out a NO while we were in bed and I had to sadly take back the ring and put it into the drawer.
I hate that when we made love, nothing else matters because it was communion, it was body and soul, it was life.
I hate that the second to last time we made love was the best it ever was and the very last time we made love was the worst.
I hate that you sat next to me at Le Petit Bistro rubbed my back and looked into my eyes whiile you told me I was your girl a week and a half before breaking up with me.
I hate that you tried to break up with me a dozen times before July 9 and for some reason I wouldn't accept it.
I hate that I spent so much time listening to cars and motorcycles on the road, hoping they were yours.
I hate that no mater how many times you came, I always felt you leaving.
I hate that you taught me how to cook and now you're not here to see how amazing I've become at it.
I hate how much I miss your family, how you took them away from me though they didn't belong to me, and how I will not see the children grow up or have Kathy and hers in my life no matter how close we were and how much I loved them.
I hate that you continue to become the person I always knew you had inside you, and you kicked me out as I stood on the precipice with you.
I hate that this still tears me up inside.
I hate that we were best friends and soulmates and yet you've cut me so deeply that I'll never heal.
I hate that as I write this I'm crying because I'd like to be over it but I know I may never be.
I hate that you finally want to give me what I deserved all along now that someone else is giving it to me every second, without thinking twice, because it's instinct to give so willingly and openly to someone you love and treasure so dearly.
I hate that you couldn't do what he does every single day.
I hate that I had to cry the day I got off the plane in England because as soon as we got back to his house and his friend asked him to go out, the first thing out of his mouth was "My love is here, and I don't take a step without her," and I had never been so regarded, so well-loved, so considered.
I hate that if I weren't with Attila I'd probably go back to you, despite the contrary begging of everyone close to me.
I hate that it took another man to show me what a relationship should be when YOU should have been the one to show me.
I hate all the times you asked me to marry you and then backed out.
I hate that now you expect me to believe that you really want it.
I hate that if I went back to you I'd always have to wonder if it was enough for you.
I hate that you made me shine and took your light away.
I hate that I will always love you, and there's not a thing any human being can do about it.
I hate that everyone but me knew it was over.
I hate that it will never be over.
I hate that because I have all these memories and experiences; I can never go back to you and be a healthy woman.

I love you.
I love him.
I love myself; and because I do, I am saying goodbye.

I'm not a zombie

Halloween was fun...but exhausting and trying all the same. The costumes turned out well and were fun, and I got the strangest array of comments and compliments. Some people (friends!) didn't even recognize me, but I think the best part of it was that my spirit is back. Last year I felt nothing, but this year I am revved up for everything and everyone. HAPPY!

Now it's November 1st, warm and quiet, grey and orange. Ati strung together and sent me a collection of short videos I took of him (us) that were left in England on his video camera and as I watched and heard it in my voice...that happy peace. I miss that man. I'm tempted to post the video but I think everyone else would be BORED, so I'm just watching it myself.

Yesterday, Bonnie asked me how much weight I'd lost. After I told her, she asked me if I noticed any loss in my breasts, and I said no. She said "Don't you hate that?" I said "No! I love them!" and while she was explaining how the size of hers was bothersome to her no matter how much weight she lost, I wanted to tell her that what she actually needed was a decent bra to hoist up her own girls rather than have them loitering around her waist like they are now. I mean come on!

Oh, on another note, A, Hag, and I had a 3-way conversation last night and I'm so relieved to hear that the Hag is back to his buddhist-enlightened, aware, pervy self. A and I were worried. Now if only he would stop referring to himself in deli-meat similes...